Thursday, December 3, 2015

When do you know...

The past week I have spent a lot of time wondering when it is time to leave.  Not if...but when.

I goggled info for therapists for sex addiction, infidelity, sexual disorders and depression.  I feel like I need to talk to someone and get some sort of guidance.  I also wonder if I am looking for someone to make the decision for me, to tell me it's ok to leave.

The truth is I am very comfortable in many ways.  I see others who get divorced and the aftermath is never good, even years later I do not see things improving.  I DO however see older couples who when through hard times and stayed together and live their twilight years in love.  I have seen older couples work through cheating issues, sex issues, personality issues...all of it, and find happiness.

In a way I want my cake and to eat it too...but is that so bad?!?  Is that not the purpose of having a fucking eat said cake!

I get angry, quickly and for little reason at my spouse.  She looks sexy in her jeans, I give her a hug and a little kiss and she kisses back and gives me the eye.  Later, I scoot closer to snuggle, touch.  However, she is comfortable just sitting and playing on her phone.  Not wanting to invade her space I gently touch her, like she has said she likes.  We sit together, me touching, she playing on her phone.  Every now and then she smiles at me and squeezes my hand.

Although I try, it never goes beyond this.

By "Try" I mean I struggle mentally on IF I should move forward.  She makes no effort...none.

In the end we go to bed like we always do.  She sleeps, I get out my iPad and quietly masturbate to sex stories until I am close.  Then I go to the bathroom to finish.

In the morning after I leave she "wakes up wet" and uses her vibrators to pleasure herself.  When she tells me she "woke up wet" from a dream it just makes me mad.

I can't be too damn bitchy, when we do have sex I can't get hard.  Many times it takes some X or LSD to get me loosened up enough were I can get her to play.  Then my dick does not cooperate.  Usually I just cannot get hard for her at all.

I am considering Viagra.

SO, when do you know.  When you sit each night 4 feet from each other and imagine another life.  When after 25 years things just keep getting worse.  When I feel like I have already given up my prime "fucking" years to shameful masturbation and increasingly degrading porn.  When I keep thinking that although the grass may not be greener on the other side of the fence, at least I can take a roll in it every now and then...

So when do you know?

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