This summer has been a mixed bag so far. On the business front things are going better than ever. My personal finances are on the upswing and I am starting to save for retirement, something that has been put off far too long. I am even getting my children to start planning for theirs, although there is some push back on that front. It seems that the new generation does not trust the financial system in the USA. I don't blame them, however, just because one part is broken does not mean that investing in general is broken.
On the down side I am feeling lonely again and the future seems without hope. How fucking melodramatic of me. Even writing that pisses me off. I am tired and right now I don't want to fight any of my battles, I just want to give up. I keep waiting for something to go horribly wrong, which leads to bouts of anxiety. It is a downward spiral that I want to stop.
I have not been screwing around at all. Everyone is gone or has found someone else. Even if I did want to step out, I would have no idea how to. All the laws have made things much harder and much more dangerous. I don't want to be a victim of this nations stupid laws, so I stay away from all if it.
My imagination is my only escape, the stories that I make up keep the sexual side of me going, otherwise I feel like it would just shut off entirely. I feel like putting some of these down on paper. Writing has always been a good sexual escape for me, and one without any repercussions. The process of putting pen to paper and making a fantasy into a "real" thing gets aroused.
Maybe I will share some of what I have been imagining...
Friday, July 13, 2018
Friday, July 6, 2018
I used to...
We did a trip as a whole family. It was great, fun in the sun and a lot of time to just chill. There were a few moments when my wife nearly went ballistic on me. I felt it brewing and I back away. It was a bit sad.
"You used to like my hair wild." she said.
Her hair was very wind blown and frizzy. It looked like a helmet. I asked if she wanted to put her hair up before we left for dinner.
When she answered me there was profound sadness in her voice and a hint of anger.
I used to like a lot of things...
The last time we had sex was exactly one year ago on this same vacation. I know that she also knows this, although neither of us have mentioned it. I cannot imagine having sex with her anymore. I have one Viagra left and I am not sure that even that will do it.
At one point I was very high and I started to touch her, sexually. She looked down at me and said, "You must be very high...you're touching me..."
Again sadness blanketed over both of us and the moment passed.
We are both overweight.
We are both in a constant depression.
We are both trapped.
We both have a deep love for each other.
We both want this to end.
Neither of us want to get divorced and split up our family.
I still have no idea what to do, except keep getting up in the morning and trying to be a better person.
"You used to like my hair wild." she said.
Her hair was very wind blown and frizzy. It looked like a helmet. I asked if she wanted to put her hair up before we left for dinner.
When she answered me there was profound sadness in her voice and a hint of anger.
I used to like a lot of things...
The last time we had sex was exactly one year ago on this same vacation. I know that she also knows this, although neither of us have mentioned it. I cannot imagine having sex with her anymore. I have one Viagra left and I am not sure that even that will do it.
At one point I was very high and I started to touch her, sexually. She looked down at me and said, "You must be very high...you're touching me..."
Again sadness blanketed over both of us and the moment passed.
We are both overweight.
We are both in a constant depression.
We are both trapped.
We both have a deep love for each other.
We both want this to end.
Neither of us want to get divorced and split up our family.
I still have no idea what to do, except keep getting up in the morning and trying to be a better person.
Saturday, May 5, 2018
New laws lead to new habits
So, this whole SESTA-FOSTA thing has really changed the whole world of pay for play. I have basically quit...well I quit a while ago but now I could not even start again if I wanted to.
That's not 100% true...I could...it would just take a lot of effort, and I am nothing if not lazy.
All the advertising and message boards are dead, blocked by anyone in the USA. There is still Twitter and some other places where you can see the "Women of the Night", but all the review sites are down. It's frustrating, I used to occasionally read the forums and reviews. It was nice to be connected to that community in some small way. It was interesting to see who was available, even if I was not buying at the time.
I even have bouts of paranoia and wonder if they are tracking and following me...lol. That is why I took my blog down for a week...I was scared. Completely unfounded...maybe. They have been blocking some women from entering the USA based on facial recognition from websites that promote prostitution. Others have had their bank accounts frozen. It is really weird how far reaching this legislation is.
It makes a lil' ol' John a bit skittish.
I would LOVE to speak out against it...but how can I? I have a family that should not know about my extra activities. I have a profession that would make it hard to make money if anything went public. I have too much to lose to speak out, I wish it was not true.
Not that my voice would matter much, but I am sure that there are many who feel the same as I and if we could all speak out...well...I don't know what would happen.
I feel like there are a lot of people who still view prostitution as evil. I don't think that will change any time soon. If you are a wife then I bet you are against it. If you are religious at all, then, most likely against it, and there is a SHIT LOAD of religion in the USA.
I think this will be an uphill fight for a long time because our country is rather clear that they are more interested in punishment and oppression then harm reduction and freedom.
I retired/quit a while ago but I still have a mental toe in the water and if I am honest with myself...I will jump back in if the opportunity presents itself, I just like sex...like a real mammal.
That's not 100% true...I could...it would just take a lot of effort, and I am nothing if not lazy.
All the advertising and message boards are dead, blocked by anyone in the USA. There is still Twitter and some other places where you can see the "Women of the Night", but all the review sites are down. It's frustrating, I used to occasionally read the forums and reviews. It was nice to be connected to that community in some small way. It was interesting to see who was available, even if I was not buying at the time.
I even have bouts of paranoia and wonder if they are tracking and following me...lol. That is why I took my blog down for a week...I was scared. Completely unfounded...maybe. They have been blocking some women from entering the USA based on facial recognition from websites that promote prostitution. Others have had their bank accounts frozen. It is really weird how far reaching this legislation is.
It makes a lil' ol' John a bit skittish.
I would LOVE to speak out against it...but how can I? I have a family that should not know about my extra activities. I have a profession that would make it hard to make money if anything went public. I have too much to lose to speak out, I wish it was not true.
Not that my voice would matter much, but I am sure that there are many who feel the same as I and if we could all speak out...well...I don't know what would happen.
I feel like there are a lot of people who still view prostitution as evil. I don't think that will change any time soon. If you are a wife then I bet you are against it. If you are religious at all, then, most likely against it, and there is a SHIT LOAD of religion in the USA.
I think this will be an uphill fight for a long time because our country is rather clear that they are more interested in punishment and oppression then harm reduction and freedom.
I retired/quit a while ago but I still have a mental toe in the water and if I am honest with myself...I will jump back in if the opportunity presents itself, I just like sex...like a real mammal.
Friday, March 30, 2018
A bunch of sex questions from Tumblr
I came across this massive list of sex questions on Tumblr and decided to answer a few...to lighten the mood.
ABOUT YOU:
1. What is the size of you penis/breasts?
Are we talking flacid or erect? I am a grower not a shower so I am going to go with erect. It all depends on how you measure, tip to taint I am quite long. Traditional, from pubis to tip I am just short of porn star length. On a good day it can be 7" but I need to be lean. In my normal state I would say just over 6.5". A little above normal, seems to be my place in live.
Breasts, well...they are larger than I want them to be right now.
2. Does your penis have a curve?
No. I am rather straight. Pleasantly straight. I have been told I have an attractive penis and more than once been told that it is the perfect size, shape and mushroomness for maximum pleasure. They could have been just saying that but I choose to believe.
3. Have you ever had an STD?
I think so. When I was going crazy and fucking anything that walked I believe I gave one to my significant other. Nothing crazy...cured with antibiotics..but I think it was from me...I still feel rather guilty about that.
4. Have you ever been pregnant/gotten someone pregnant?
Yes...a few times. For a time I half believed that there was one other kid floating around out there that might be mine. Then I saw the pictures of him and...NOPE...no way that kid is mine. Also, the timing did not work out when I did the math.
5. What type of underwear are you wearing?
Boxer briefs...the best of both worlds.
6. When was your last erection/arousal?
When I woke up this morning I was hard as a rock. Morning wood...no other reason. When was I last aroused for a reason? Last night, looking at porn and rubbing one out. When was the last time I was aroused with another person? shit...that has been a while. When I was on a trip recently I woke up hard and my SO went down on me. I appreciate that she tries but she is a really lack luster BJ giver. That is also the only sex we have had this year.
7. Have you ever had an erection which someone noticed?
I have no idea...I assume you mean while clothed...Nobody has told me. I am frequently hard at work because I will read sex stories in my office as I am waiting for my next client. GOD BLESS BOXER BRIEFS!
8. Has anyone seen your private parts other then yourself?
What the fuck is this...middle school? Shit loads of people. I have no problem getting nude and had even less of an issue with it when I was younger.
9. Explain your ultimate fantasy.
I win the lottery, get a divorce and take the spinner on a sex and drug induced world tour where we seduce other couples into group sex. Then we fuck on a beach somewhere...for days....
I am done...one mention of her and I already feel exhausted. I miss her and she is gone.
ABOUT YOU:
1. What is the size of you penis/breasts?
Are we talking flacid or erect? I am a grower not a shower so I am going to go with erect. It all depends on how you measure, tip to taint I am quite long. Traditional, from pubis to tip I am just short of porn star length. On a good day it can be 7" but I need to be lean. In my normal state I would say just over 6.5". A little above normal, seems to be my place in live.
Breasts, well...they are larger than I want them to be right now.
2. Does your penis have a curve?
No. I am rather straight. Pleasantly straight. I have been told I have an attractive penis and more than once been told that it is the perfect size, shape and mushroomness for maximum pleasure. They could have been just saying that but I choose to believe.
3. Have you ever had an STD?
I think so. When I was going crazy and fucking anything that walked I believe I gave one to my significant other. Nothing crazy...cured with antibiotics..but I think it was from me...I still feel rather guilty about that.
4. Have you ever been pregnant/gotten someone pregnant?
Yes...a few times. For a time I half believed that there was one other kid floating around out there that might be mine. Then I saw the pictures of him and...NOPE...no way that kid is mine. Also, the timing did not work out when I did the math.
5. What type of underwear are you wearing?
Boxer briefs...the best of both worlds.
6. When was your last erection/arousal?
When I woke up this morning I was hard as a rock. Morning wood...no other reason. When was I last aroused for a reason? Last night, looking at porn and rubbing one out. When was the last time I was aroused with another person? shit...that has been a while. When I was on a trip recently I woke up hard and my SO went down on me. I appreciate that she tries but she is a really lack luster BJ giver. That is also the only sex we have had this year.
7. Have you ever had an erection which someone noticed?
I have no idea...I assume you mean while clothed...Nobody has told me. I am frequently hard at work because I will read sex stories in my office as I am waiting for my next client. GOD BLESS BOXER BRIEFS!
8. Has anyone seen your private parts other then yourself?
What the fuck is this...middle school? Shit loads of people. I have no problem getting nude and had even less of an issue with it when I was younger.
9. Explain your ultimate fantasy.
I win the lottery, get a divorce and take the spinner on a sex and drug induced world tour where we seduce other couples into group sex. Then we fuck on a beach somewhere...for days....
I am done...one mention of her and I already feel exhausted. I miss her and she is gone.
Tuesday, March 13, 2018
Low T and death
Someone close to me gave up the ghost last week. I have to travel to plant them and support my family. It’s difficult because I am not a big believer is ceremonies to put bags of meat in the ground. I was not planning on attending but someone close called me on my bullshit and told me that the living need me there. Funerals are for those left behind.
So, I get to dress up fancy and stand around eating jello and snacks while the priesthood does their sacred dance around the body of my friend. I know the my family will use this as a reason why we should all connect and get closer together. But here is the thing, except for my brother, I could do without them. They are hyper religious nutbag, mean, judge mental assholes. So, I will practice my stoic face and just drift through their bullshit and say goodbye to the empty shell of my former friend. Hold the hand of the grieving and bugger out when their heads are turned.
I am also afraid of my sisters and their incessant need to take stuff. None of his shit, and he has a BUNCH of priceless shit, is theirs or mine. I don’t think that will stop them from laying claim because I have seen them do it before. If they start to peck around I just may lose my shit.
His death hit me way harder then I thought it would. It’s not been easy.
On a happier front, the big thing in my circle of friends now is Low T. Everybody has it or thinks they do. One guy did something about it and his energy level is amazing. Now I want it so I can get me some. I am going to line up some blood work to see if my old man balls are working right. Low T can contribute to depression, which I am really good at. I hate that I have a knack for making any sligh disturbance in my life plunge me into the bitter depths of dispare. Maybe a shot in the but of man juice will help (ok, I see how that sounds).
Stay tuned.
So, I get to dress up fancy and stand around eating jello and snacks while the priesthood does their sacred dance around the body of my friend. I know the my family will use this as a reason why we should all connect and get closer together. But here is the thing, except for my brother, I could do without them. They are hyper religious nutbag, mean, judge mental assholes. So, I will practice my stoic face and just drift through their bullshit and say goodbye to the empty shell of my former friend. Hold the hand of the grieving and bugger out when their heads are turned.
I am also afraid of my sisters and their incessant need to take stuff. None of his shit, and he has a BUNCH of priceless shit, is theirs or mine. I don’t think that will stop them from laying claim because I have seen them do it before. If they start to peck around I just may lose my shit.
His death hit me way harder then I thought it would. It’s not been easy.
On a happier front, the big thing in my circle of friends now is Low T. Everybody has it or thinks they do. One guy did something about it and his energy level is amazing. Now I want it so I can get me some. I am going to line up some blood work to see if my old man balls are working right. Low T can contribute to depression, which I am really good at. I hate that I have a knack for making any sligh disturbance in my life plunge me into the bitter depths of dispare. Maybe a shot in the but of man juice will help (ok, I see how that sounds).
Stay tuned.
Friday, February 23, 2018
Something needs to change
So, it is now almost March and I have not had sex this year.
It is the longest I have been without sex in about 10 years from what I can remember. I can't blame anyone other than myself. At home I have not even tried. There is still a lack of attraction to my spouse. Part of that is the weight she has put on and cannot get rid of due to her sedentary lifestyle and prolific wine habit she has developed. We can't blame injury any more, she is all healed.
The other part is her personality changes or my reaction to her personality. She just annoys me and does not turn me on anymore...ever. Unless I take extacy or LSD or smoke a LOT of good pot...I really don't get excited by her. It's frustrating, but I don't want to "try" and not be able to get an erection. Or start having sex and lose my erection halfway through. That is what has happened in the past and it fucks with her head and causes a huge fight for weeks.
Additionally, she never even tries to initiate sex. This is not a new thing, she never has. It is one of the main complaints that I have had for many, many years. It has not changed in over two decades, why would it change now. While she says she wants sex (well, she used to say that) she never starts it and usually declines when offered. However she will say, "Yes, we NEED to have sex. Lets schedule that". Fuck you...I will beat off instead.
The girl I was seeing on the side for the past...holy shit...10 years now...the spinner, has been non existent in my life this year. She is busy with...whatever she does all day. And I have been busy with my life and not too excited to get caught in her web again. It becomes endless hours of being strung along and sitting in cars waiting for a response. Broken dates, broken promises...then a lot of complaining about everything under the sun. When we do finally get to spend some NON crazy time together and talk or hook up it is quite amazing. The emotional toll it takes to get there is exhausting.
I have thought about looking for another hook-up, someone else to have sex with but I can't seem to pull the trigger. Part of that is financial. I really don't want to spend money, I have too many other things I am trying to get rolling in my life and it is working. I don't want to blow money on sex when I can apply it to debt and investments. Also, there is just not anyone who really catches my eye right now. Other than a little porn star who I realized lives in the same city as me and is looking for a sugar daddy, but I am not a big enough sugar daddy for her...I KNOW that it would not work out...she needs someone with SERIOUS money, and I believe she will find them at some point.
So, it is just me and my palm and pornhub for now. I am trying to focus on other things.
I do have some out of town trips planned soon...to some cities with some rather good looking girls also. So...maybe the drought will end?
It is the longest I have been without sex in about 10 years from what I can remember. I can't blame anyone other than myself. At home I have not even tried. There is still a lack of attraction to my spouse. Part of that is the weight she has put on and cannot get rid of due to her sedentary lifestyle and prolific wine habit she has developed. We can't blame injury any more, she is all healed.
The other part is her personality changes or my reaction to her personality. She just annoys me and does not turn me on anymore...ever. Unless I take extacy or LSD or smoke a LOT of good pot...I really don't get excited by her. It's frustrating, but I don't want to "try" and not be able to get an erection. Or start having sex and lose my erection halfway through. That is what has happened in the past and it fucks with her head and causes a huge fight for weeks.
Additionally, she never even tries to initiate sex. This is not a new thing, she never has. It is one of the main complaints that I have had for many, many years. It has not changed in over two decades, why would it change now. While she says she wants sex (well, she used to say that) she never starts it and usually declines when offered. However she will say, "Yes, we NEED to have sex. Lets schedule that". Fuck you...I will beat off instead.
The girl I was seeing on the side for the past...holy shit...10 years now...the spinner, has been non existent in my life this year. She is busy with...whatever she does all day. And I have been busy with my life and not too excited to get caught in her web again. It becomes endless hours of being strung along and sitting in cars waiting for a response. Broken dates, broken promises...then a lot of complaining about everything under the sun. When we do finally get to spend some NON crazy time together and talk or hook up it is quite amazing. The emotional toll it takes to get there is exhausting.
I have thought about looking for another hook-up, someone else to have sex with but I can't seem to pull the trigger. Part of that is financial. I really don't want to spend money, I have too many other things I am trying to get rolling in my life and it is working. I don't want to blow money on sex when I can apply it to debt and investments. Also, there is just not anyone who really catches my eye right now. Other than a little porn star who I realized lives in the same city as me and is looking for a sugar daddy, but I am not a big enough sugar daddy for her...I KNOW that it would not work out...she needs someone with SERIOUS money, and I believe she will find them at some point.
So, it is just me and my palm and pornhub for now. I am trying to focus on other things.
I do have some out of town trips planned soon...to some cities with some rather good looking girls also. So...maybe the drought will end?
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