I am semi-happy...not content, not unhappy, but also not fulfilled. The distance between me and my spouse is beginning to create a void. While I crave connection and intimacy, I am not sure it is with her. It used to be...but even in our closeness there was a sense of being "stuck" with each other.
The bridges that we build when we were younger and repaired over and over again have started to fall apart again. We are not intimate, we do not trust. We love but we do not lust. Our passion is a chemically induced ruse.
When I think about what I want...I want honesty. I want openness. I want trust. I want playfulness and laughter.
It would be easy to think that this could be found with someone else. I see far to many divorced people and broken families that have not found happiness, just another layer of misery. Occasionally I do see a couple who is happier after the split, better off...at least they look that way to me.
Much of the problem is directly my fault.
I own that.
I opened Pandora's box. I experienced sex, drugs and rock and roll....and I liked it. When you have the best sex ever it is hard to settle for anything else. Why was it the best sex ever?
I have thought about this...what made it so special?
The fact that the person I was fucking was INTO it! They wanted it...or they acted like they wanted it. When my dick gets sucked by someone who WANTS to suck my dick, it is an entirely different experience.
They were open to anything! Fun positions, 69, ball sucking, light choking, ass smacking, even a finger in the ass...they were open to it. If they were not it was a gentle "no" and redirection into another pleasure.
Eventually with a couple there was a deeper connection. This is where it gets sticky. I felt a deeper connection, and I assumed they felt it also. Even more of a problem, what then...a deeper connection without any hope of a life together...just forever cheating?
I imagine finding someone else, being open and honest, playful and fun, loving and trusting each other. Wanting to hang out with them alone. Having desire for them. I miss that..