Summer time anxiety

This summer has been a mixed bag so far.  On the business front things are going better than ever.  My personal finances are on the upswing and I am starting to save for retirement, something that has been put off far too long.  I am even getting my children to start planning for theirs, although there is some push back on that front.  It seems that the new generation does not trust the financial system in the USA.  I don't blame them, however, just because one part is broken does not mean that investing in general is broken.

On the down side I am feeling lonely again and the future seems without hope.  How fucking melodramatic of me.  Even writing that pisses me off.  I am tired and right now I don't want to fight any of my battles, I just want to give up.  I keep waiting for something to go horribly wrong, which leads to bouts of anxiety.  It is a downward spiral that I want to stop.

I have not been screwing around at all.  Everyone is gone or has found someone else.  Even if I did want to step out, I would have no idea how to.  All the laws have made things much harder and much more dangerous.  I don't want to be a victim of this nations stupid laws, so I stay away from all if it.

My imagination is my only escape, the stories that I make up keep the sexual side of me going, otherwise I feel like it would just shut off entirely.  I feel like putting some of these down on paper.  Writing has always been a good sexual escape for me, and one without any repercussions.  The process of putting pen to paper and making a fantasy into a "real" thing gets aroused.

Maybe I will share some of what I have been imagining...

I used to...

We did a trip as a whole family.  It was great, fun in the sun and a lot of time to just chill.  There were a few moments when my wife nearly went ballistic on me.  I felt it brewing and I back away.  It was a bit sad.

"You used to like my hair wild."  she said.

Her hair was very wind blown and frizzy.  It looked like a helmet.  I asked if she wanted to put her hair up before we left for dinner.

When she answered me there was profound sadness in her voice and a hint of anger.

I used to like a lot of things...

The last time we had sex was exactly one year ago on this same vacation.  I know that she also knows this, although neither of us have mentioned it.  I cannot imagine having sex with her anymore.  I have one Viagra left and I am not sure that even that will do it.

At one point I was very high and I started to touch her, sexually.  She looked down at me and said, "You must be very high...you're touching me..."

Again sadness blanketed over both of us and the moment passed.

We are both overweight.
We are both in a constant depression.
We are both trapped.
We both have a deep love for each other.
We both want this to end.
Neither of us want to get divorced and split up our family.

I still have no idea what to do, except keep getting up in the morning and trying to be a better person.