Friday, January 6, 2017

Happy New Year

Things are progressing slightly, it has not been that long but I am hopeful.  Working with a psychologist has been nice.  I still feel like I am venting but I am getting a lot of shit out on the table.  I made the decision to be 100% honest with the psychologist, scary, but I figured it would not make sense to pay someone so I could lie to them.

I am working 7 days a week, it is actually nice.  I don't get a lot of time to wallow, which I seem to be rather good at unfortunately.  The place I am working is, in short, a shit hole.  However, it is open just about 24/7 so I can pick my hours and make it work.  I am getting a lot of practice at my craft, which will also help me in my business.  I enjoy working hard and for a purpose.

Home life is still an unknown.  I don't know what she is thinking or doing.  I tried to lay down some ultimatums and shit I needed to see change.  If there is ever going to be attraction in my marriage again, then I need to see her get out of her comfort zone and into the world.

Sex is still something that I don't even know where to go with.  I am not attracted to her, and it is not her body, it is HER.  When we first had issues she was thin and athletic and hot...but she was shit in the sack.  The issue is not body or age, it is desire and intent.

My long term "girlfriend" is still a bit of a confusion for me.  I know she loves someone else more than she loves me, that is fine, he is a good guy.  I enjoy helping her out as I have been and being her friend.  I don't want to imagine giving her up.

We talked the other day about monogamy and swinging and trust and honesty.  It is amazing how similar our views are.  Days like that and conversations like we had are wonderful and also confusing.  I am suppose to be working out my issues and either choosing to stay married or separate.  I don't want my decision to be based on how I feel about her, I want it to be what is best for me.

My sex goal this year is to just enjoy it and quit letting it control me and my emotions.  I have a lot of guilt and shame surrounding sex and pleasure, it stems from my religious upbringing.  I thing the pendulum swung a little far from my true center for a while.  Masturbating 3-4 times a day is not where I want to be, it controls me a little too much.  Putting an emphasis on sex rather then relationships, friendship and connection does not give me what I really want.

However, I love the connection that good sex brings.

I am not sure how much I will be posting, I have cut a lot out of my life so I can pursue my goals and get my mind right.

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