Life is a rut, but a good one.
I had a weird event where I did too much x and ended up staying up for three days non-stop. A real bender with the Red Head, my old friend. It was a lot of fun but it ended up with me not being able to sleep at all and I got VERY paranoid.
I was convinced that if the sun came up, everything would be fine. I almost felt like I was having a heart attack at one point but it was a very bad panic attack.
I have to realize that I am a lot older than I once was and I cannot burn the candle at both ends. Time to grow the fuck up...
On the sex side of things, I am enjoying porn but I am trying to not look at it so much. I had a new years resolution to not beat off...that lasted three weeks...
I have been scaling back on all of it. I want to be attracted to my wife again. She is beautiful and wonderful in many ways, but we are both NOT pornstars. Filling my mind with pictures of pornstars effects my self image and my image or her.
We have fooled around a little but nothing regular.
I don't know if it will ever be what I want it to be...but I have come to terms with the fact that I will never leave and she will never leave me. We are meant to grow old together....
