Should I be a pornstar?

The question came up recently, believe it or not.  It would be a way to help someone get some extra money on Clips4Sale.  It would not be my face, just my lower body and cock...really the best part of me..lol.  Very amateur stuff, but that is what sells, reality porn.

I am rather excited at the offer, although I need to research it a bit.  I worry that on some legal level I would have to provide my name and I do not want that to happen at all.  I have no idea how anyone would find out but I am sure it is possible.

I am sure that it will not actually happen.  It was more of a passing comment with laughter, but I felt that there was a small hint of "feeling me out" for it.  I can't be sure that it was not just me grabbing onto the idea and reading too much into the situation.  Who knows.

I would need to up the workout a bit.  I have been a losing weight lately but not really working out...more of a diet change and stress levels skyrocketing.  With all the work I have been doing there is not a lot of time to sit and eat...not a lot of time to do anything.

I have been too busy to even find time to beat off.  I am either too tired or too busy.  It is a good thing, I was getting a little to used to my hand.  When you "stress masturbate" it tends to be more about the release than the experience.  This leads to the death grip and too much friction.  If you have a callous on your hand...bad shit can happen to the shaft...lol...

I remember when I was really stressed a few years ago, I beat off so much I caused a lymph blockage in my penis and got a painful lump.  I thought I broke my dick.  It took three weeks to get right again...scary shit.

With the reduction in self pleasure I am hoping my actual vaginal sex experiences are even better.  When your cock is sensitive and has not been played with the feel of a vagina closing in on the shaft is better than any feeling in the world.

Great...now I am horny...lol... 

I do not have time to jack off right now either...lol...

Well...on with my day...

Happy New Year

Things are progressing slightly, it has not been that long but I am hopeful.  Working with a psychologist has been nice.  I still feel like I am venting but I am getting a lot of shit out on the table.  I made the decision to be 100% honest with the psychologist, scary, but I figured it would not make sense to pay someone so I could lie to them.

I am working 7 days a week, it is actually nice.  I don't get a lot of time to wallow, which I seem to be rather good at unfortunately.  The place I am working is, in short, a shit hole.  However, it is open just about 24/7 so I can pick my hours and make it work.  I am getting a lot of practice at my craft, which will also help me in my business.  I enjoy working hard and for a purpose.

Home life is still an unknown.  I don't know what she is thinking or doing.  I tried to lay down some ultimatums and shit I needed to see change.  If there is ever going to be attraction in my marriage again, then I need to see her get out of her comfort zone and into the world.

Sex is still something that I don't even know where to go with.  I am not attracted to her, and it is not her body, it is HER.  When we first had issues she was thin and athletic and hot...but she was shit in the sack.  The issue is not body or age, it is desire and intent.

My long term "girlfriend" is still a bit of a confusion for me.  I know she loves someone else more than she loves me, that is fine, he is a good guy.  I enjoy helping her out as I have been and being her friend.  I don't want to imagine giving her up.

We talked the other day about monogamy and swinging and trust and honesty.  It is amazing how similar our views are.  Days like that and conversations like we had are wonderful and also confusing.  I am suppose to be working out my issues and either choosing to stay married or separate.  I don't want my decision to be based on how I feel about her, I want it to be what is best for me.

My sex goal this year is to just enjoy it and quit letting it control me and my emotions.  I have a lot of guilt and shame surrounding sex and pleasure, it stems from my religious upbringing.  I thing the pendulum swung a little far from my true center for a while.  Masturbating 3-4 times a day is not where I want to be, it controls me a little too much.  Putting an emphasis on sex rather then relationships, friendship and connection does not give me what I really want.

However, I love the connection that good sex brings.

I am not sure how much I will be posting, I have cut a lot out of my life so I can pursue my goals and get my mind right.