Sex and sexlessness

So it have been a month almost since I said goodbye.  There was one last fling, so...ya...

I feel good about everything, it all ended better than I thought it would, which is good when you have strong feelings for someone.  I have been slowly disconnecting.  In the past I have kept the path clear and remained in close contact, it was bad for my mental health.

Do I miss her...you fucking bet I do.

I miss the idea of a secret affair, the reality had some really shitty side effects.  It might be different if both parties had something to lose and it was just about the sex.  Mix in money and some serious personal issues on both sides and it is not a good way to live.

The big issue that I am struggling with is the sexlessness that I am now in.  Other than porn and my hand I am not getting any for the foreseeable future.  I don't know how to fix things with the spouse. She has mentioned that she would go to couples counseling, which is a big improvement.  I think she should have some personal counseling first then we can do couples but she seems to think that she does not need it.

As I go thorough therapy I have realized that the shit that happened was a result of a shit load of dysfunction that goes WAAAAY back.  This does not excuse my philandering but it does put things into perspective a bit.  I was ready to commit suicide, hell...I tried...that is another thing that the Spinner did for me..she saved me...so I felt like I had to save her.  Two people drowning cannot save each other.  And nobody can save you from yourself.

So, this brings me back to sex.

I do not have the spark or the attraction to the spouse.  We have also not had sex it quite a while.  I don't know how and I don't really want to get it going again at this point.  I don't want to have to imagine someone else in my mind or will my way through it, and I don't want the stress of having to try and stay hard...because that is what happens.  I don't want to suffer through a lack luster, begrudged blow job.  I don't want to compare the sex I am having to the sex I COULD be having.

There is the urge to find a pro and get the wonderful anonymous factor back.  No names, no strings, just a business for pleasure exchange.  I get mine, they get theirs and we go our separate ways.

But then what...

I don't know what the answer will be, for now...I am just going to keep on, keeping on...

and jack off...a lot...

So long, and thanks for all the sex

i just can't anymore, it had to end.

The financial help I was offering is not that much of a burden so that is not the issue at all.  It was the way I was being treated and how I felt.  It has taken me a while to see it, even now my body is rebelling against my mind.  It IS an addiction.

At my therapists office my addiction to her...to sex...to my illicit privae life...my addiction to it all came up.  It was not easy to bring it up and to call it what it is...addiction.  Like any addict I was letting it control my life, my happiness, my sanity.

I am also a helper...white knight...captain save a 'ho.  You see someone is crisis and think, "hey...if they only knew this thing..". You want to share it, good intentions...but it always goes to shit.  This played out over and over.  I can save no one...

I thought I would be sad today, but that is not how I feel at all...more relieved and free.  The fact that I do not feel sadness about ending it actually makes me a little sad.

I have a feeling that she will come calling again soon...She always does...

I need to find a place of peace where she cannot effect me with her stories and sadness.