Saturday, November 11, 2017

My old blog

I go back and read my old blog every now and then and cringe a little.  I really went off the deep end.  It brings back memories of that time and how little sleep I was getting.  Sleep is a really big deal with me, I must have it but I also dread going to sleep.  The old Night Owl/Early Bird combo that makes someone act bipolar as hell.

When you combine the drugs and prostitution you get a real fucked up situation.

I am not sure why I feel the need to look back at it, but I do.  I used to get a sexual high from reading it.  Then it turned into a reality check, looking back at all my shit.  Now it is just a little depressing.

I have been looking online at providers in my area again, not that I want to spend the money right now, even though I actually have it to spend.  I have other things I want/need to do with it.  However, a part of me still wants that special feeling you get from a hook-up.  That dirty little secret.

I also want mountains, beaches and time away without any pressures.  So, I save instead.

I want to feel more of a connection to life and to my family.

I want to feel less tired all the damn time.

One of the things that has helped me the most is daily meditation and frankly, I have not been doing that at all.  I just need to set aside the 20 min a day it takes to do it.  I can take a shit and play games on my phone for a half an hour, but finding a quite space for 20 min seems impossible...

No excuses...

I also want calm, sexual, thoughtful, playful and connected sex...coupled with food and wine...and a good smoke after...I am tired of crazy.