I don't know what happened.
Maybe it was the mushrooms that Hera finally took with me, but we reconnected. We also did MDMA together one night, she loves it. Somehow we have both decided to just be sexual with each other again. We fucked...and fucked...and fucked.
I feel like it should have been this way the whole relationship, just sexually relaxed and open. It feels good to just have sex with her. She has let me wake up and fuck her...we have fucked in the day...things that before we just did not do, she would not allow it. Sex was always done at night, in the dark, in one way...it is nice to see her let go. It is nice to be able to be open about being sexual without being shamed.
I spent two months actively not texting the Spinner. She has not answered a text since last July anyway. I still think about her way to often. I still dream about her most nights. I still have days where I look into the void and question myself for not following my ... heart? dick? lust? desire? Love?
I know that I have a vision of her that is not 100% who she is. There are many things that we see differently. Politically we are not aligned (I don't think so anyway). Emotionally we are vastly different. Our communication styles are polar opposite. She is also decades younger and way more active and social. Basically I am understanding that it would most likely not work in the long run.
However, despite all that...I long for her still. Sexually I have never been so in sync with a person. It was pure passion...every...fucking...time...
I did finally text...a desperate lonely text in a inebriated bout of lonely nostalgia. I expected silence...I got a thumbs up to a photo that I sent two months ago. My head spun and my heart pounded at that thumbs up...it was something...but also nothing. I get it...she is safe and happy in her relationship and would not want to fuck it up...I am also not willing to blow up my family.
I will wait as long as I can to text again, but I can honestly say that no matter what is happening in my life...I will always be open to seeing her again..
Hera and I have made a major breakthrough, about 30 years late, but better late than never.
I will always cherish the Spinner and you never know what the future holds.
