Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Lingering depression

It is something that I struggle with, depression.  I don't like to think of myself as manic, other people in my family are, but I can defiantly display some manic type behavior.  It frustrates me when I see myself doing it and I try to do things to keep me on an even keel.  It sometimes works, sometimes does not.

Lately I have been doing well, but a busy couple of weeks, and injury, a lingering illness, and a pile of just plain shitty stuff that I have allowed to pile up and get me down.  When I get down it is a huge struggle to get back up.  I feel dissatisfied with everything in my life, although my rational mind tells me that everything is not that bad.

I look to escape, to porn, video games, drugs, alcohol, sex...

It is my MO.

Lately porn and alcohol has been my crutch.  I am moving forward but just barely.  I wonder what it is like to NOT have this dark cloud always on the horizon.  Do other people have to weather psychological storms like this?  How do they do it?

I keep making commitments to dig myself out of this, but every time I start to make some progress in feeling better I allow something else to get me right back down.

Not a sexy post, but an honest one...

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