Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Old flame still burning...

When I was still in senior year of high school, I may have already been married, I was in the office when a new girl showed up to register for classes.  She was from another high school and was moving due to problems with friends.

When I saw her my jaw dropped.  It was instant attraction.  She was a little punk girl and just lit my fucking fire in all the right ways.  I was too star struck to say anything but I do remember us eye fucking each other across the room.

When she left I walked into the counselors office and picked up her paperwork.  Without permission and with nobody noticing I photocopied her information and returned the file to its place.  This was normal behavior for me at the time, I just did whatever the fuck I wanted.  Had I been caught I would have made up a story about what I was doing and they would have believed it...thinking back I was kind of a sociopath.

I saw her off and on but at the time I was dating my soon to be wife and everyone knew it.  Ditching her to go with the new girl would have been messy, although that was my MO.  I had also taken my wife's virginity and she had been rather pissed about it because we were both stoned as fuck when it happened.  It was not planned out or expected, it just happened.  I do remember thinking that it would be rather shitty of me to go after someone else after taking her V card.

Later that school year my wife and I got married for fun and it was over.  We graduated and eventually moved to another state.  Things went south fast and we ended up back in our home state.  We split up and were planning on divorce, oh ya...she was prego also.  I moved out and she moved away and that was it.

I started working at a little telemarketing place, shit work.  I had been through a couple jobs already and it was one of the places that would hire me.  I also had friends who worked there.  I went though training and was moved out to the floor.  I get assigned a seat, my friend was next to me, too cool.  Just when I thought things could not be better the person on the other side of me hung up the phone and turned to introduce themselves.

You have all seen the movie...it was her.  She did not recognize me, how could she, I was her stalker.  I was blown the fuck away.  We chatted every day, quickly became friends.  Her BFF became a good friend of mine also.  Her boyfriend became a good friend.

She was living at home but decided to leave and asked me to help get her stuff.  I did and her parents called the cops, she was not 18 yet.  We had to lay low so her boyfriend got a hotel room and we both stayed in it, he left us there and went home.  That night I confessed that I had always been crushing hard on her from the first day we met.  She remembered me in the office in high school and we laughed about the eye fucking.

That led to us actually fucking.  On the bed, in the shower, on the floor.  We fucked all night.  It was amazing.  I remember sitting at the McDonalds and eating breakfast as we both giggled and smiled at each other.  We kept saying, "we can't do it again,"  and "nobody can know".  Then we went back to the room and fucked before her boyfriend showed up.

She ended up telling him and they broke up.  I got her a place to stay at some college students house in the basement and we started going out.  It was insane how much we had sex.  I then walked in on her having sex with a friend of hers.  I was invited to join.  My small reptile brain would not go there at the time and I got upset.

I tried to chase her up to some place in another town, some guy made me jellous, but got put in jail on my way up there.  Jail was a big deal for me and really messed with my mind.  I ditched all my friends, everything.  I took some time out and reassessed my life.  I ended up getting back together with my wife.  The BFF of the girl and I remaind friends.  I even introduced her to my wife but my wife was VERY bitchy and threatened by her, I was emnbarassed.

I tried to reconnect with the girl a few times but she had met someone else, got engaged and moved away.  The last I heard she was married.  I lost track.  I still know the BFF on FB but we do not talk or anything, just like each others pages.

I have tried to look up the old flame before but I used her married name...I recently looked her up by her maiden name.  I was in the area where I used to live and my mind jumped back to her.  I had seen a news story about her once a few years ago, she had owned a tattoo business that was forced to close due to zoning laws.

I had been spelling her name wrong for years, I misspelled it correctly and suddenly she was there.  She has aged but is still amazingly beautiful.  She is a little hippy spirit and lives over where her BFF now lives.  They are FB friends.  I wonder how I never found her before.

A flood of emotions came over me.  Lots of "what-if's..."

I asked for a FB friendship, we will see if there is any response.  I dream about stopping by her business and just seeing if she recognizes me.  Maybe saying hello....maybe not.

The past is the past, sometimes it should be left alone.  It really only made me think about my present situation.  I have been thinking constantly about divorce.  I am conflicted.  I do not want to live my life this way, I do not recognize who I am and who my wife is.  We do not talk much.  Everything she does irritates me.  We never touch.

Yet, I feel obligated to stay with her.  I feel as if leaving her would be the absolutely meanest thing I could ever do to a person.  Then I flip flop and think, isn't staying with her and not loving her even worse...keeping her from possibly finding happiness with someone else.

I wonder what about when we get even older, what will happen then?

What about our kids?

What about our grandkids?

Our lives seem to be a cascade of effects from that night camping when we fucked.  If not for that we would have broken up many times.

Is there love?  Yes, there is love.  There is also absolute exhaustion and frustration, a desire to just leave.  I asked for marriage counseling for us and was met with outright contempt and anger at the idea of us going.  There is also the money issue, "We can't afford it."  We can afford trips to other states, a new car, any little shit she wants to by online, wine by the crate, and my sugar baby...

We can afford whatever we want to afford...

Sorry for a downer blog post...

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