Friday, December 23, 2016

Still confused after all these years

I had a little conversation with the wife the other night.  We need to figure out things with our marriage at some point, that may mean we split up, it may mean we stay together...I just don't know.  I want to know where she stands on things.

She told me that she is depressed.  When I asked what about she would not say, she said that I don't love her anymore or even like her.  So she sits all day and drinks wine and does not work out and just passes the time and tries not to think about things.

I totally understand how she feels and why she feels that way.  I have asked for couples counseling and she rejects it outright and tells me if I need counseling then I should go and get it.

Part of me feels guilty, part of me feels justified, and part of me feels sad.

Another part of me is upset.  She has a way of blaming everything on me, without actually blaming me.  She makes it all my fault, then crucifies herself for being such a shitty person.  I go from defending myself to defending her...from herself.

I know that I am culpable here.  I know what I have done wrong.  I can own my actions, but not own up to them...

What has she accepted responsibility for?

"It takes two to tango," is the saying, so what was my dance partner doing or not doing.

"I'm just not what you want..."  is what she will say.  Sexually, mentally, emotionally

Is she right?  What do I want?

I am seeing a psychologist now.  Trying to work shit out.  It's still early in the process, just me venting so far.  I don't have a lot of faith in psychologists, I don't have a lot of faith in anything anymore.

I am just kind of done with everyone right now.

I am always the asshole no matter what I do.

I am expected to be everything for everyone.

I can't be.

I am now working 7 days a week in order to get out of debt and keep my business.

The good part is, I don't even have time for anyone.

Peter out....

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