Do you like yourself?

Self esteem...

Can you confidently cope with the basic challenges of life and are you worthy of happiness?

I have been thinking about this lately.  At some points I am more than confident in myself, I am almost brazen.  I know what I know and I know that I can handle any challenge that is presented to me no matter how challenging.  One can argue the method that I handle it, or how much it effects me...I wish I was not affected as deeply by some of the challenges I have faced.

I carry scars from the things I have been face with, we all do.  They have fundamentally changed me from the man I was to the man I am now.  I don't think the same any more.  I have trouble relaxing, I have trouble letting go.  I have trouble being happy.

I want happiness, we all do.  I want to feel worthy of happiness, I feel I deserve it...maybe...

I have been working on my coping skills, my reactions.  It feels like a reflex, like a doctor hitting me in the knee with that little rubber mallet.  In reality it is just lack of choice, or a choice that I unconsciously developed.  I get angry, I get sad, I get depressed, I get a feeling of hopelessness...I sink...I get silent...I sink further...and further...

Soon I am driving down the highway wondering two things...

1.  How hard would it be to just close my eyes and veer off the road.

2.  How hard would it be to just keep driving until I ran out of gas...

Neither option is a good one and I talk myself out of both.  I am not to that point any more, that point were I believe the best for those around me would be for me be gone.  I breath deep, try and put things into a universal perspective...we are all just specks of dust in the vast expanse of time and space...nothing really matters anyway.

I want to be that guy who smiles when the shit hits the fan...not in a rude way, just a "well, time to work," way.  The guy who laughs off a joke, defuses tension with a shrug of his shoulders.  Who is quick to hug and holds on long enough, and tight enough where you feel safe and loved.

SO, what is stopping me...where is my self esteem?

I am still looking...I will let you know when I find it...