Life has been eventful these past few weeks. Most of it stressful but most of it good.
To start, I am going bankrupt. Chapter 7.
There it is...
The loans I had to take out were prior to the crash and were too big. This area was hit too hard and has never fully recovered. I have been behind on payments forever with no hope of catching up. The bank who owns the loan will not negotiate at all. In addition, I don't want to have to pay back that much money, I will never be out from under the debt.
So, we will protect my business by selling it. That's right, I will no longer be the boss! Hopefully the new owner will keep me on. They usually do in my business. I can then turn over the daily operations to the group which will free me up quite a bit. I will also be getting paid more day one, which is a huge plus.
After we get the assets sold I will BK7. Get rid of all that debt and be, relatively, free.
I am actually excited to get it done. I have been struggling for the past 10 years and I could never find a way out of this mess. No matter how well I did it was never enough to pay for everything. At first I did everything in my power to pay all the bills in full. I lost my house because of it. I denied my family any extra money. We did not go on vacations or anything.
I could not keep up, even with working 6 days a week. The extra money was never enough to cover my costs and the debt payments. I asked for help from my wife and she turned her back on me. That was what really started all my extra activities. I lost my mind and decided that I would carve out a small part of my life for me. My old blog covered that journey, for better or worse.
The crazy has receded and I now find myself back into the high stress. I am a little better at dealing with it, however, I still go from caring to not caring, which is not a good thing. I am also lost in my relationship(s), wondering what direction I should go and not wanting to hurt or lose anyone.
The piper will come calling, eventually. The loan will be due in a year or two and it is bigger now then they day I signed the paperwork. I also just want out. It is a good thing and I am happy about it, even though I am a little worried that things will not go as planned, but when do they ever. I am going to trust in the direction I have plotted and make the best. It is better than sitting in shit and praying for change.
To top everything off I came into work today and found that my assistant quit. I have mixed emotions, as I was going to have to fire them anyway. Ball dropping has become a regular practice and neither of us have been happy with each other. I prefer things to end on good terms, but if things are good then people don't quit. Additionally, by quitting she cannot claim insurance, which keeps my rates lower and saves me money.
I have to go to Las Vegas next week, I was going to bring a friend but they had to back out...so....I plan on having an adventure! Hopefully I get to tell a great story when I get back!!!
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Being Alone
Am I alone?
My friend lives on her own and one of the common issues is how lonely she feels much of the time. She spends a lot of time coming up with things to do and places to be in order to fight off the feeling of loneliness. She also says that anyone who comes over or wants to 'hang out' becomes an attempt to hook up, so she would rather be alone...but then she feels lonely and gets in her own head about everything and ends up depressed.
I also get in my head and feel lonely, the difference is when I go home I have people around me. In my mind I think it would be better to just BE alone. Much of what I do for enjoyment is alone. I do not have any close friends in this city, just some people I know on one level. With my work and my wife's involvement with her activities we do not go out together very much.
I try, I really do. This weekend I wanted to take her to a concert with me. It is a person I have wanted to see for a very long time, my kind of music. We used to have similar taste in music...not so much any more. I ended up going alone. I enjoyed the music...but I was very lonely the whole time and came away feeling depressed.
At home I cannot stand the programs she watched on TV...she is not a fan of the ones I watch. There are a few we both like, the issue becomes time. With her schedule and mine there is not a lot of time we have to sit at the same time. I end up watching the show without her.
My sport that I play a lot. Nobody in the stands anymore.
I go out to eat alone...
I go play games in the park alone...
Should I look to change things?
I can't remember always being alone but I guess I always have. I was always going to school or working. When I was not doing that I would go hiking, golfing, bike riding...etc...and I was almost always alone. Now, my memory sucks balls (the bad kind of ball sucking), so I can't remember why I was always alone. I am told, harshly, that I never invited my wife and would just go...which always bothered me because that I not what I usually do but I let it go, I do not want to fight.
As I was at the concert the other day after trying to get her to go with me, I was thinking about the past and the future...basically getting all up in my fucking head again...and I remembered something. Just like she does now, she always claims she can't go or makes up an excuse to not go. The other day I seriously had to get into a fight to get her to go out and do something fun...she eventually did it.
During the whole adventure she would go between lightly complaining to marginally cheerful. The whole time blaming me for "making" her do this. She seemed to be having fun. In the end it started a non-stop river of complaints about the activity and her skill and involvement. When the people we did the activity with asked me if she had fun, I had no idea how to answer.
It hit me, I did and do ask her to go places and do things with me. However, she ALWAYS resists going anywhere and doing anything. I am also the planner and dooer, she is the homebody.
"You just go." is something that is said quite often.
So, I believed her, and I don't want to spend an hour convincing someone only to have it go to a fight.
and I just go...
She did tell me she had fun with the activity that we did. It was a soft moment with us and she smiled and thanked me. I then said we should go again, the couple we went with had fun and has been asking. She frowned, rolled her eyes, laughed and started complaining...I felt that click in my brain where I turn everything off and turned away.
My friend lives on her own and one of the common issues is how lonely she feels much of the time. She spends a lot of time coming up with things to do and places to be in order to fight off the feeling of loneliness. She also says that anyone who comes over or wants to 'hang out' becomes an attempt to hook up, so she would rather be alone...but then she feels lonely and gets in her own head about everything and ends up depressed.
I also get in my head and feel lonely, the difference is when I go home I have people around me. In my mind I think it would be better to just BE alone. Much of what I do for enjoyment is alone. I do not have any close friends in this city, just some people I know on one level. With my work and my wife's involvement with her activities we do not go out together very much.
I try, I really do. This weekend I wanted to take her to a concert with me. It is a person I have wanted to see for a very long time, my kind of music. We used to have similar taste in music...not so much any more. I ended up going alone. I enjoyed the music...but I was very lonely the whole time and came away feeling depressed.
At home I cannot stand the programs she watched on TV...she is not a fan of the ones I watch. There are a few we both like, the issue becomes time. With her schedule and mine there is not a lot of time we have to sit at the same time. I end up watching the show without her.
My sport that I play a lot. Nobody in the stands anymore.
I go out to eat alone...
I go play games in the park alone...
Should I look to change things?
I can't remember always being alone but I guess I always have. I was always going to school or working. When I was not doing that I would go hiking, golfing, bike riding...etc...and I was almost always alone. Now, my memory sucks balls (the bad kind of ball sucking), so I can't remember why I was always alone. I am told, harshly, that I never invited my wife and would just go...which always bothered me because that I not what I usually do but I let it go, I do not want to fight.
As I was at the concert the other day after trying to get her to go with me, I was thinking about the past and the future...basically getting all up in my fucking head again...and I remembered something. Just like she does now, she always claims she can't go or makes up an excuse to not go. The other day I seriously had to get into a fight to get her to go out and do something fun...she eventually did it.
During the whole adventure she would go between lightly complaining to marginally cheerful. The whole time blaming me for "making" her do this. She seemed to be having fun. In the end it started a non-stop river of complaints about the activity and her skill and involvement. When the people we did the activity with asked me if she had fun, I had no idea how to answer.
It hit me, I did and do ask her to go places and do things with me. However, she ALWAYS resists going anywhere and doing anything. I am also the planner and dooer, she is the homebody.
"You just go." is something that is said quite often.
So, I believed her, and I don't want to spend an hour convincing someone only to have it go to a fight.
and I just go...
She did tell me she had fun with the activity that we did. It was a soft moment with us and she smiled and thanked me. I then said we should go again, the couple we went with had fun and has been asking. She frowned, rolled her eyes, laughed and started complaining...I felt that click in my brain where I turn everything off and turned away.
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