That is the hope of each new years, that the next year will be different, better...
I have made a lot of changes this year, fell into an old trap but clawed my way back out of it again.
I am enjoying planning for next year. Personal, work, budget...everything. I really want to make next year different and build on the changes I made this year.
Much of that change is with my personal life and those who I spend my time with. I was happy being a family man and a good neighbor. I lost a lot of that these past few years. I also my have done some serious damage to my psyche and my relationships by allowing myself to be pulled into a long slow depression.
No more.
I am healthier and I plan on continuing that.
I am wealthier and I plan on building on that.
I see happiness and plan on taking hold of it.
The choice is mine...I understand that. I need to make the choice and just BE happy.
Good luck to everyone...
Cheers.
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Friday, December 8, 2017
TMI Tuesday...Thought I would do one today.
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One big mating dance
I got court side seats last night. Right behind the bench. Food and everything included. It felt nice.
I also am sore as hell from my workouts, so I ate a little bit of a pot gummy, just to take the edge off the soreness. It kicked in halfway through the game and I had a really nice light high going on. I was REALLY watching the game closely and quietly. Its funny how different sports are, yet they are all the same. The big show that happens around a bunch of guys playing ball. I was tripping on it.
At commercial breaks the dancers came out and I saw them as birds doing a mating dance. I wondered if, in the animal kingdom, all the mating dances serve to not only attract a mate, but to turn on the whole population. The songs of sex and the movements of sex that all the other birds see releases chemicals in their brains that makes dicks hard and pussies wet.
Are we the same? I liked watching the athletic, firm, scantly clad young bodies bounce around. It made my dick hard. Do women in the crowd feel the sexual energy also? I know the other men do!
The clothes we wear and the makeup and hair of women. It's all a mating dance...
We are beasts in our fields, rutting...
I also am sore as hell from my workouts, so I ate a little bit of a pot gummy, just to take the edge off the soreness. It kicked in halfway through the game and I had a really nice light high going on. I was REALLY watching the game closely and quietly. Its funny how different sports are, yet they are all the same. The big show that happens around a bunch of guys playing ball. I was tripping on it.
At commercial breaks the dancers came out and I saw them as birds doing a mating dance. I wondered if, in the animal kingdom, all the mating dances serve to not only attract a mate, but to turn on the whole population. The songs of sex and the movements of sex that all the other birds see releases chemicals in their brains that makes dicks hard and pussies wet.
Are we the same? I liked watching the athletic, firm, scantly clad young bodies bounce around. It made my dick hard. Do women in the crowd feel the sexual energy also? I know the other men do!
The clothes we wear and the makeup and hair of women. It's all a mating dance...
We are beasts in our fields, rutting...
Saturday, November 11, 2017
My old blog
I go back and read my old blog every now and then and cringe a little. I really went off the deep end. It brings back memories of that time and how little sleep I was getting. Sleep is a really big deal with me, I must have it but I also dread going to sleep. The old Night Owl/Early Bird combo that makes someone act bipolar as hell.
When you combine the drugs and prostitution you get a real fucked up situation.
I am not sure why I feel the need to look back at it, but I do. I used to get a sexual high from reading it. Then it turned into a reality check, looking back at all my shit. Now it is just a little depressing.
I have been looking online at providers in my area again, not that I want to spend the money right now, even though I actually have it to spend. I have other things I want/need to do with it. However, a part of me still wants that special feeling you get from a hook-up. That dirty little secret.
I also want mountains, beaches and time away without any pressures. So, I save instead.
I want to feel more of a connection to life and to my family.
I want to feel less tired all the damn time.
One of the things that has helped me the most is daily meditation and frankly, I have not been doing that at all. I just need to set aside the 20 min a day it takes to do it. I can take a shit and play games on my phone for a half an hour, but finding a quite space for 20 min seems impossible...
No excuses...
I also want calm, sexual, thoughtful, playful and connected sex...coupled with food and wine...and a good smoke after...I am tired of crazy.
When you combine the drugs and prostitution you get a real fucked up situation.
I am not sure why I feel the need to look back at it, but I do. I used to get a sexual high from reading it. Then it turned into a reality check, looking back at all my shit. Now it is just a little depressing.
I have been looking online at providers in my area again, not that I want to spend the money right now, even though I actually have it to spend. I have other things I want/need to do with it. However, a part of me still wants that special feeling you get from a hook-up. That dirty little secret.
I also want mountains, beaches and time away without any pressures. So, I save instead.
I want to feel more of a connection to life and to my family.
I want to feel less tired all the damn time.
One of the things that has helped me the most is daily meditation and frankly, I have not been doing that at all. I just need to set aside the 20 min a day it takes to do it. I can take a shit and play games on my phone for a half an hour, but finding a quite space for 20 min seems impossible...
No excuses...
I also want calm, sexual, thoughtful, playful and connected sex...coupled with food and wine...and a good smoke after...I am tired of crazy.
Thursday, October 26, 2017
It's been a while
So here I am. Still kicking around the net, just not as much any more. I think the bug to share my experiences went away with the decision to not be as involved with the Spinner any more. Do I miss it, sometimes...but apparently not enough to come back too often.
The only exciting sexual thing that has happened is that I booked a call girl when I was in Las Vegas. It has been a long time since I had been with anyone. I was sick of jacking off and was really missing the Spinner and feeling like I might be tempted to get back involved. I figured it would be a great way to have some naughty fun and scratch the itch.
She was very cute, however, not all that in the sack. It was more me than her. I was nervous, I did not know her, it has been a long day and was very late. There was also a little false advertising on her part. Namely her tits...not what I expected, not bad per say, just not what I had envisioned. We still had a nice time. She spent a long time telling me about her family and her life, which was a "white trash novel". Full of meth, multiple dads, jail and running away to be a stripper/hooker in sin city.
After listening to it all I just felt bad...but still horny...so we still fucked, but that shit was in the back of my mind the whole time.
In the end it just did not match up to sex with the Spinner. I tell you, that girl can fuck...no lie.
I am still in therapy but have taken a break, mainly due to the therapist going on vacation and my busy schedule. I am not sure if I should tell the therapist about Las Vegas, but then I wonder why I want to pay someone to lie to them. I also wonder why I started going in the first place. Was it business/financial stress, home/relation stress, woman on the side/Spinner stress or a great big combination of it all.
Has it helped? Sure..I guess.
I have someone to talk to, to call me on my shit. The advice that has been given I have not really followed up on. Mainly, how can I mend my relationship at home. How can I get attracted to my spouse again. The work that it is going to take to do that seems laborious and damn near hopeless. Additionally, I am not sure that is what I want, but I am sure it is what I should do.
Then the part of my brain that says, "We only get one trip on this wagon ride, make it count," chimes in and all I want is to run to the spinner and profess my love. God knows what that would do to everyone's life. Also, there is a great chance that I would end up just like all the other poor guys that have been there before me and had their carcasses and bank accounts sucked dry, left in her wake.
I know she does not mean to do it, she is just surviving, but I don't want to end up another victim.
I don't have much else to say. Hell, I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore...
The only exciting sexual thing that has happened is that I booked a call girl when I was in Las Vegas. It has been a long time since I had been with anyone. I was sick of jacking off and was really missing the Spinner and feeling like I might be tempted to get back involved. I figured it would be a great way to have some naughty fun and scratch the itch.
She was very cute, however, not all that in the sack. It was more me than her. I was nervous, I did not know her, it has been a long day and was very late. There was also a little false advertising on her part. Namely her tits...not what I expected, not bad per say, just not what I had envisioned. We still had a nice time. She spent a long time telling me about her family and her life, which was a "white trash novel". Full of meth, multiple dads, jail and running away to be a stripper/hooker in sin city.
After listening to it all I just felt bad...but still horny...so we still fucked, but that shit was in the back of my mind the whole time.
In the end it just did not match up to sex with the Spinner. I tell you, that girl can fuck...no lie.
I am still in therapy but have taken a break, mainly due to the therapist going on vacation and my busy schedule. I am not sure if I should tell the therapist about Las Vegas, but then I wonder why I want to pay someone to lie to them. I also wonder why I started going in the first place. Was it business/financial stress, home/relation stress, woman on the side/Spinner stress or a great big combination of it all.
Has it helped? Sure..I guess.
I have someone to talk to, to call me on my shit. The advice that has been given I have not really followed up on. Mainly, how can I mend my relationship at home. How can I get attracted to my spouse again. The work that it is going to take to do that seems laborious and damn near hopeless. Additionally, I am not sure that is what I want, but I am sure it is what I should do.
Then the part of my brain that says, "We only get one trip on this wagon ride, make it count," chimes in and all I want is to run to the spinner and profess my love. God knows what that would do to everyone's life. Also, there is a great chance that I would end up just like all the other poor guys that have been there before me and had their carcasses and bank accounts sucked dry, left in her wake.
I know she does not mean to do it, she is just surviving, but I don't want to end up another victim.
I don't have much else to say. Hell, I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore...
Sunday, July 30, 2017
Still around
i still exist.
Therapy had been a mixed bag...
While I have seen the spinner, it is not like it was. I am basically out of her life, we have moved on.
I work constantly, I am doing better in my business but I am a still a long way from the stability I crave. I am working 6 days a week, down from 7...lol.
The wife and I are still figuring it out. With everyone's life colapsing, we are the rocks, the anchor. It is crazy to think that our marriage is stable in comparison.
I miss kink...
I miss rough sex...
I miss being touched and kissed...
Not sure how long I can last like this....
Therapy had been a mixed bag...
While I have seen the spinner, it is not like it was. I am basically out of her life, we have moved on.
I work constantly, I am doing better in my business but I am a still a long way from the stability I crave. I am working 6 days a week, down from 7...lol.
The wife and I are still figuring it out. With everyone's life colapsing, we are the rocks, the anchor. It is crazy to think that our marriage is stable in comparison.
I miss kink...
I miss rough sex...
I miss being touched and kissed...
Not sure how long I can last like this....
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Sex and sexlessness
So it have been a month almost since I said goodbye. There was one last fling, so...ya...
I feel good about everything, it all ended better than I thought it would, which is good when you have strong feelings for someone. I have been slowly disconnecting. In the past I have kept the path clear and remained in close contact, it was bad for my mental health.
Do I miss her...you fucking bet I do.
I miss the idea of a secret affair, the reality had some really shitty side effects. It might be different if both parties had something to lose and it was just about the sex. Mix in money and some serious personal issues on both sides and it is not a good way to live.
The big issue that I am struggling with is the sexlessness that I am now in. Other than porn and my hand I am not getting any for the foreseeable future. I don't know how to fix things with the spouse. She has mentioned that she would go to couples counseling, which is a big improvement. I think she should have some personal counseling first then we can do couples but she seems to think that she does not need it.
As I go thorough therapy I have realized that the shit that happened was a result of a shit load of dysfunction that goes WAAAAY back. This does not excuse my philandering but it does put things into perspective a bit. I was ready to commit suicide, hell...I tried...that is another thing that the Spinner did for me..she saved me...so I felt like I had to save her. Two people drowning cannot save each other. And nobody can save you from yourself.
So, this brings me back to sex.
I do not have the spark or the attraction to the spouse. We have also not had sex it quite a while. I don't know how and I don't really want to get it going again at this point. I don't want to have to imagine someone else in my mind or will my way through it, and I don't want the stress of having to try and stay hard...because that is what happens. I don't want to suffer through a lack luster, begrudged blow job. I don't want to compare the sex I am having to the sex I COULD be having.
There is the urge to find a pro and get the wonderful anonymous factor back. No names, no strings, just a business for pleasure exchange. I get mine, they get theirs and we go our separate ways.
But then what...
I don't know what the answer will be, for now...I am just going to keep on, keeping on...
and jack off...a lot...
I feel good about everything, it all ended better than I thought it would, which is good when you have strong feelings for someone. I have been slowly disconnecting. In the past I have kept the path clear and remained in close contact, it was bad for my mental health.
Do I miss her...you fucking bet I do.
I miss the idea of a secret affair, the reality had some really shitty side effects. It might be different if both parties had something to lose and it was just about the sex. Mix in money and some serious personal issues on both sides and it is not a good way to live.
The big issue that I am struggling with is the sexlessness that I am now in. Other than porn and my hand I am not getting any for the foreseeable future. I don't know how to fix things with the spouse. She has mentioned that she would go to couples counseling, which is a big improvement. I think she should have some personal counseling first then we can do couples but she seems to think that she does not need it.
As I go thorough therapy I have realized that the shit that happened was a result of a shit load of dysfunction that goes WAAAAY back. This does not excuse my philandering but it does put things into perspective a bit. I was ready to commit suicide, hell...I tried...that is another thing that the Spinner did for me..she saved me...so I felt like I had to save her. Two people drowning cannot save each other. And nobody can save you from yourself.
So, this brings me back to sex.
I do not have the spark or the attraction to the spouse. We have also not had sex it quite a while. I don't know how and I don't really want to get it going again at this point. I don't want to have to imagine someone else in my mind or will my way through it, and I don't want the stress of having to try and stay hard...because that is what happens. I don't want to suffer through a lack luster, begrudged blow job. I don't want to compare the sex I am having to the sex I COULD be having.
There is the urge to find a pro and get the wonderful anonymous factor back. No names, no strings, just a business for pleasure exchange. I get mine, they get theirs and we go our separate ways.
But then what...
I don't know what the answer will be, for now...I am just going to keep on, keeping on...
and jack off...a lot...
Saturday, March 4, 2017
So long, and thanks for all the sex
i just can't anymore, it had to end.
The financial help I was offering is not that much of a burden so that is not the issue at all. It was the way I was being treated and how I felt. It has taken me a while to see it, even now my body is rebelling against my mind. It IS an addiction.
At my therapists office my addiction to her...to sex...to my illicit privae life...my addiction to it all came up. It was not easy to bring it up and to call it what it is...addiction. Like any addict I was letting it control my life, my happiness, my sanity.
I am also a helper...white knight...captain save a 'ho. You see someone is crisis and think, "hey...if they only knew this thing..". You want to share it, good intentions...but it always goes to shit. This played out over and over. I can save no one...
I thought I would be sad today, but that is not how I feel at all...more relieved and free. The fact that I do not feel sadness about ending it actually makes me a little sad.
I have a feeling that she will come calling again soon...She always does...
I need to find a place of peace where she cannot effect me with her stories and sadness.
The financial help I was offering is not that much of a burden so that is not the issue at all. It was the way I was being treated and how I felt. It has taken me a while to see it, even now my body is rebelling against my mind. It IS an addiction.
At my therapists office my addiction to her...to sex...to my illicit privae life...my addiction to it all came up. It was not easy to bring it up and to call it what it is...addiction. Like any addict I was letting it control my life, my happiness, my sanity.
I am also a helper...white knight...captain save a 'ho. You see someone is crisis and think, "hey...if they only knew this thing..". You want to share it, good intentions...but it always goes to shit. This played out over and over. I can save no one...
I thought I would be sad today, but that is not how I feel at all...more relieved and free. The fact that I do not feel sadness about ending it actually makes me a little sad.
I have a feeling that she will come calling again soon...She always does...
I need to find a place of peace where she cannot effect me with her stories and sadness.
Friday, February 24, 2017
Short and simple
I am working constantly right now, seven days a week...for real.
Money is getting better and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Relationship is still a work in progress, I am working through my shit though.
Sex is stalled. Still in it with one person but I may need to leave...I don't want the negative emotions and victim mindset in my life anymore. I don't seem to be helping at all...no matter what I do I get beat up verbally and emotionally.
Sex is just such a big part of my life, and 99% of it is hidden and shameful. I don't want to live my life this way...I would rather be open about things..but how does that work?
If I figure it out I will let everyone know...lol...
Do you ever put your hand in your pocket and feel your cock a little...or gently rub your pussy in public...does it feel good? Not like amazing but just a little good...
me too.
Have a great day...
Money is getting better and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Relationship is still a work in progress, I am working through my shit though.
Sex is stalled. Still in it with one person but I may need to leave...I don't want the negative emotions and victim mindset in my life anymore. I don't seem to be helping at all...no matter what I do I get beat up verbally and emotionally.
Sex is just such a big part of my life, and 99% of it is hidden and shameful. I don't want to live my life this way...I would rather be open about things..but how does that work?
If I figure it out I will let everyone know...lol...
Do you ever put your hand in your pocket and feel your cock a little...or gently rub your pussy in public...does it feel good? Not like amazing but just a little good...
me too.
Have a great day...
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
Should I be a pornstar?
The question came up recently, believe it or not. It would be a way to help someone get some extra money on Clips4Sale. It would not be my face, just my lower body and cock...really the best part of me..lol. Very amateur stuff, but that is what sells, reality porn.
I am rather excited at the offer, although I need to research it a bit. I worry that on some legal level I would have to provide my name and I do not want that to happen at all. I have no idea how anyone would find out but I am sure it is possible.
I am sure that it will not actually happen. It was more of a passing comment with laughter, but I felt that there was a small hint of "feeling me out" for it. I can't be sure that it was not just me grabbing onto the idea and reading too much into the situation. Who knows.
I would need to up the workout a bit. I have been a losing weight lately but not really working out...more of a diet change and stress levels skyrocketing. With all the work I have been doing there is not a lot of time to sit and eat...not a lot of time to do anything.
I have been too busy to even find time to beat off. I am either too tired or too busy. It is a good thing, I was getting a little to used to my hand. When you "stress masturbate" it tends to be more about the release than the experience. This leads to the death grip and too much friction. If you have a callous on your hand...bad shit can happen to the shaft...lol...
I remember when I was really stressed a few years ago, I beat off so much I caused a lymph blockage in my penis and got a painful lump. I thought I broke my dick. It took three weeks to get right again...scary shit.
With the reduction in self pleasure I am hoping my actual vaginal sex experiences are even better. When your cock is sensitive and has not been played with the feel of a vagina closing in on the shaft is better than any feeling in the world.
Great...now I am horny...lol...
I do not have time to jack off right now either...lol...
Well...on with my day...
Friday, January 6, 2017
Happy New Year
Things are progressing slightly, it has not been that long but I am hopeful. Working with a psychologist has been nice. I still feel like I am venting but I am getting a lot of shit out on the table. I made the decision to be 100% honest with the psychologist, scary, but I figured it would not make sense to pay someone so I could lie to them.
I am working 7 days a week, it is actually nice. I don't get a lot of time to wallow, which I seem to be rather good at unfortunately. The place I am working is, in short, a shit hole. However, it is open just about 24/7 so I can pick my hours and make it work. I am getting a lot of practice at my craft, which will also help me in my business. I enjoy working hard and for a purpose.
Home life is still an unknown. I don't know what she is thinking or doing. I tried to lay down some ultimatums and shit I needed to see change. If there is ever going to be attraction in my marriage again, then I need to see her get out of her comfort zone and into the world.
Sex is still something that I don't even know where to go with. I am not attracted to her, and it is not her body, it is HER. When we first had issues she was thin and athletic and hot...but she was shit in the sack. The issue is not body or age, it is desire and intent.
My long term "girlfriend" is still a bit of a confusion for me. I know she loves someone else more than she loves me, that is fine, he is a good guy. I enjoy helping her out as I have been and being her friend. I don't want to imagine giving her up.
We talked the other day about monogamy and swinging and trust and honesty. It is amazing how similar our views are. Days like that and conversations like we had are wonderful and also confusing. I am suppose to be working out my issues and either choosing to stay married or separate. I don't want my decision to be based on how I feel about her, I want it to be what is best for me.
My sex goal this year is to just enjoy it and quit letting it control me and my emotions. I have a lot of guilt and shame surrounding sex and pleasure, it stems from my religious upbringing. I thing the pendulum swung a little far from my true center for a while. Masturbating 3-4 times a day is not where I want to be, it controls me a little too much. Putting an emphasis on sex rather then relationships, friendship and connection does not give me what I really want.
However, I love the connection that good sex brings.
I am not sure how much I will be posting, I have cut a lot out of my life so I can pursue my goals and get my mind right.
I am working 7 days a week, it is actually nice. I don't get a lot of time to wallow, which I seem to be rather good at unfortunately. The place I am working is, in short, a shit hole. However, it is open just about 24/7 so I can pick my hours and make it work. I am getting a lot of practice at my craft, which will also help me in my business. I enjoy working hard and for a purpose.
Home life is still an unknown. I don't know what she is thinking or doing. I tried to lay down some ultimatums and shit I needed to see change. If there is ever going to be attraction in my marriage again, then I need to see her get out of her comfort zone and into the world.
Sex is still something that I don't even know where to go with. I am not attracted to her, and it is not her body, it is HER. When we first had issues she was thin and athletic and hot...but she was shit in the sack. The issue is not body or age, it is desire and intent.
My long term "girlfriend" is still a bit of a confusion for me. I know she loves someone else more than she loves me, that is fine, he is a good guy. I enjoy helping her out as I have been and being her friend. I don't want to imagine giving her up.
We talked the other day about monogamy and swinging and trust and honesty. It is amazing how similar our views are. Days like that and conversations like we had are wonderful and also confusing. I am suppose to be working out my issues and either choosing to stay married or separate. I don't want my decision to be based on how I feel about her, I want it to be what is best for me.
My sex goal this year is to just enjoy it and quit letting it control me and my emotions. I have a lot of guilt and shame surrounding sex and pleasure, it stems from my religious upbringing. I thing the pendulum swung a little far from my true center for a while. Masturbating 3-4 times a day is not where I want to be, it controls me a little too much. Putting an emphasis on sex rather then relationships, friendship and connection does not give me what I really want.
However, I love the connection that good sex brings.
I am not sure how much I will be posting, I have cut a lot out of my life so I can pursue my goals and get my mind right.
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