A bunch of sex questions from Tumblr

I came across this massive list of sex questions on Tumblr and decided to answer a few...to lighten the mood.

ABOUT YOU:

1.  What is the size of you penis/breasts?

Are we talking flacid or erect?  I am a grower not a shower so I am going to go with erect.  It all depends on how you measure, tip to taint I am quite long.  Traditional, from pubis to tip I am just short of porn star length.  On a good day it can be 7" but I need to be lean.  In my normal state I would say just over 6.5".  A little above normal, seems to be my place in live.

Breasts, well...they are larger than I want them to be right now.

2.  Does your penis have a curve?

No.  I am rather straight.  Pleasantly straight.  I have been told I have an attractive penis and more than once been told that it is the perfect size, shape and mushroomness for maximum pleasure.  They could have been just saying that but I choose to believe.

3.  Have you ever had an STD?

I think so.  When I was going crazy and fucking anything that walked I believe I gave one to my significant other.  Nothing crazy...cured with antibiotics..but I think it was from me...I still feel rather guilty about that.

4.  Have you ever been pregnant/gotten someone pregnant?

Yes...a few times.  For a time I half believed that there was one other kid floating around out there that might be mine.  Then I saw the pictures of him and...NOPE...no way that kid is mine.  Also, the timing did not work out when I did the math.

5.  What type of underwear are you wearing?

Boxer briefs...the best of both worlds.

6.  When was your last erection/arousal?

When I woke up this morning I was hard as a rock.  Morning wood...no other reason.  When was I last aroused for a reason?  Last night, looking at porn and rubbing one out.  When was the last time I was aroused with another person?  shit...that has been a while.  When I was on a trip recently I woke up hard and my SO went down on me.  I appreciate that she tries but she is a really lack luster BJ giver.  That is also the only sex we have had this year.

7.  Have you ever had an erection which someone noticed?

I have no idea...I assume you mean while clothed...Nobody has told me.  I am frequently hard at work because I will read sex stories in my office as I am waiting for my next client.  GOD BLESS BOXER BRIEFS!

8.  Has anyone seen your private parts other then yourself?

What the fuck is this...middle school?  Shit loads of people.  I have no problem getting nude and had even less of an issue with it when I was younger. 

9.  Explain your ultimate fantasy.

I win the lottery, get a divorce and take the spinner on a sex and drug induced world tour where we seduce other couples into group sex.  Then we fuck on a beach somewhere...for days....

I am done...one mention of her and I already feel exhausted.  I miss her and she is gone.

Low T and death

Someone close to me gave up the ghost last week.  I have to travel to plant them and support my family.  It’s difficult because I am not a big believer is ceremonies to put bags of meat in the ground.  I was not planning on attending but someone close called me on my bullshit and told me that the living need me there.  Funerals are for those left behind.

So, I get to dress up fancy and stand around eating jello and snacks while the priesthood does their sacred dance around the body of my friend.  I know the my family will use this as a reason why we should all connect and get closer together.  But here is the thing, except for my brother, I could do without them.  They are hyper religious nutbag, mean, judge mental assholes.  So, I will practice my stoic face and just drift through their bullshit and say goodbye to the empty shell of my former friend.  Hold the hand of the grieving and bugger out when their heads are turned.

I am also afraid of my sisters and their incessant need to take stuff.  None of his shit, and he has a BUNCH of priceless shit, is theirs or mine.  I don’t think that will stop them from laying claim because I have seen them do it before.  If they start to peck around I just may lose my shit.

His death hit me way harder then I thought it would.  It’s not been easy.

On a happier front, the big thing in my circle of friends now is Low T.  Everybody has it or thinks they do.  One guy did something about it and his energy level is amazing.  Now I want it so I can get me some.  I am going to line up some blood work to see if my old man balls are working right.  Low T can contribute to depression, which I am really good at.  I hate that I have a knack for making any sligh disturbance in my life plunge me into the bitter depths of dispare.  Maybe a shot in the but of man juice will help (ok, I see how that sounds).

Stay tuned.