Thursday, March 30, 2017

Sex and sexlessness

So it have been a month almost since I said goodbye.  There was one last fling, so...ya...

I feel good about everything, it all ended better than I thought it would, which is good when you have strong feelings for someone.  I have been slowly disconnecting.  In the past I have kept the path clear and remained in close contact, it was bad for my mental health.

Do I miss her...you fucking bet I do.

I miss the idea of a secret affair, the reality had some really shitty side effects.  It might be different if both parties had something to lose and it was just about the sex.  Mix in money and some serious personal issues on both sides and it is not a good way to live.

The big issue that I am struggling with is the sexlessness that I am now in.  Other than porn and my hand I am not getting any for the foreseeable future.  I don't know how to fix things with the spouse. She has mentioned that she would go to couples counseling, which is a big improvement.  I think she should have some personal counseling first then we can do couples but she seems to think that she does not need it.

As I go thorough therapy I have realized that the shit that happened was a result of a shit load of dysfunction that goes WAAAAY back.  This does not excuse my philandering but it does put things into perspective a bit.  I was ready to commit suicide, hell...I tried...that is another thing that the Spinner did for me..she saved me...so I felt like I had to save her.  Two people drowning cannot save each other.  And nobody can save you from yourself.

So, this brings me back to sex.

I do not have the spark or the attraction to the spouse.  We have also not had sex it quite a while.  I don't know how and I don't really want to get it going again at this point.  I don't want to have to imagine someone else in my mind or will my way through it, and I don't want the stress of having to try and stay hard...because that is what happens.  I don't want to suffer through a lack luster, begrudged blow job.  I don't want to compare the sex I am having to the sex I COULD be having.

There is the urge to find a pro and get the wonderful anonymous factor back.  No names, no strings, just a business for pleasure exchange.  I get mine, they get theirs and we go our separate ways.

But then what...

I don't know what the answer will be, for now...I am just going to keep on, keeping on...

and jack off...a lot...

Saturday, March 4, 2017

So long, and thanks for all the sex

i just can't anymore, it had to end.

The financial help I was offering is not that much of a burden so that is not the issue at all.  It was the way I was being treated and how I felt.  It has taken me a while to see it, even now my body is rebelling against my mind.  It IS an addiction.

At my therapists office my addiction to her...to sex...to my illicit privae life...my addiction to it all came up.  It was not easy to bring it up and to call it what it is...addiction.  Like any addict I was letting it control my life, my happiness, my sanity.

I am also a helper...white knight...captain save a 'ho.  You see someone is crisis and think, "hey...if they only knew this thing..". You want to share it, good intentions...but it always goes to shit.  This played out over and over.  I can save no one...

I thought I would be sad today, but that is not how I feel at all...more relieved and free.  The fact that I do not feel sadness about ending it actually makes me a little sad.

I have a feeling that she will come calling again soon...She always does...

I need to find a place of peace where she cannot effect me with her stories and sadness.

Friday, February 24, 2017

Short and simple

I am working constantly right now, seven days a week...for real.

Money is getting better and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Relationship is still a work in progress, I am working through my shit though.

Sex is stalled.  Still in it with one person but I may need to leave...I don't want the negative emotions and victim mindset in my life anymore.  I don't seem to be helping at all...no matter what I do I get beat up verbally and emotionally.

Sex is just such a big part of my life, and 99% of it is hidden and shameful.  I don't want to live my life this way...I would rather be open about things..but how does that work?

If I figure it out I will let everyone know...lol...

Do you ever put your hand in your pocket and feel your cock a little...or gently rub your pussy in public...does it feel good?  Not like amazing but just a little good...

me too.

Have a great day...

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Should I be a pornstar?

The question came up recently, believe it or not.  It would be a way to help someone get some extra money on Clips4Sale.  It would not be my face, just my lower body and cock...really the best part of me..lol.  Very amateur stuff, but that is what sells, reality porn.

I am rather excited at the offer, although I need to research it a bit.  I worry that on some legal level I would have to provide my name and I do not want that to happen at all.  I have no idea how anyone would find out but I am sure it is possible.

I am sure that it will not actually happen.  It was more of a passing comment with laughter, but I felt that there was a small hint of "feeling me out" for it.  I can't be sure that it was not just me grabbing onto the idea and reading too much into the situation.  Who knows.

I would need to up the workout a bit.  I have been a losing weight lately but not really working out...more of a diet change and stress levels skyrocketing.  With all the work I have been doing there is not a lot of time to sit and eat...not a lot of time to do anything.

I have been too busy to even find time to beat off.  I am either too tired or too busy.  It is a good thing, I was getting a little to used to my hand.  When you "stress masturbate" it tends to be more about the release than the experience.  This leads to the death grip and too much friction.  If you have a callous on your hand...bad shit can happen to the shaft...lol...

I remember when I was really stressed a few years ago, I beat off so much I caused a lymph blockage in my penis and got a painful lump.  I thought I broke my dick.  It took three weeks to get right again...scary shit.

With the reduction in self pleasure I am hoping my actual vaginal sex experiences are even better.  When your cock is sensitive and has not been played with the feel of a vagina closing in on the shaft is better than any feeling in the world.

Great...now I am horny...lol... 

I do not have time to jack off right now either...lol...

Well...on with my day...

Friday, January 6, 2017

Happy New Year

Things are progressing slightly, it has not been that long but I am hopeful.  Working with a psychologist has been nice.  I still feel like I am venting but I am getting a lot of shit out on the table.  I made the decision to be 100% honest with the psychologist, scary, but I figured it would not make sense to pay someone so I could lie to them.

I am working 7 days a week, it is actually nice.  I don't get a lot of time to wallow, which I seem to be rather good at unfortunately.  The place I am working is, in short, a shit hole.  However, it is open just about 24/7 so I can pick my hours and make it work.  I am getting a lot of practice at my craft, which will also help me in my business.  I enjoy working hard and for a purpose.

Home life is still an unknown.  I don't know what she is thinking or doing.  I tried to lay down some ultimatums and shit I needed to see change.  If there is ever going to be attraction in my marriage again, then I need to see her get out of her comfort zone and into the world.

Sex is still something that I don't even know where to go with.  I am not attracted to her, and it is not her body, it is HER.  When we first had issues she was thin and athletic and hot...but she was shit in the sack.  The issue is not body or age, it is desire and intent.

My long term "girlfriend" is still a bit of a confusion for me.  I know she loves someone else more than she loves me, that is fine, he is a good guy.  I enjoy helping her out as I have been and being her friend.  I don't want to imagine giving her up.

We talked the other day about monogamy and swinging and trust and honesty.  It is amazing how similar our views are.  Days like that and conversations like we had are wonderful and also confusing.  I am suppose to be working out my issues and either choosing to stay married or separate.  I don't want my decision to be based on how I feel about her, I want it to be what is best for me.

My sex goal this year is to just enjoy it and quit letting it control me and my emotions.  I have a lot of guilt and shame surrounding sex and pleasure, it stems from my religious upbringing.  I thing the pendulum swung a little far from my true center for a while.  Masturbating 3-4 times a day is not where I want to be, it controls me a little too much.  Putting an emphasis on sex rather then relationships, friendship and connection does not give me what I really want.

However, I love the connection that good sex brings.

I am not sure how much I will be posting, I have cut a lot out of my life so I can pursue my goals and get my mind right.


Friday, December 23, 2016

Still confused after all these years

I had a little conversation with the wife the other night.  We need to figure out things with our marriage at some point, that may mean we split up, it may mean we stay together...I just don't know.  I want to know where she stands on things.

She told me that she is depressed.  When I asked what about she would not say, she said that I don't love her anymore or even like her.  So she sits all day and drinks wine and does not work out and just passes the time and tries not to think about things.

I totally understand how she feels and why she feels that way.  I have asked for couples counseling and she rejects it outright and tells me if I need counseling then I should go and get it.

Part of me feels guilty, part of me feels justified, and part of me feels sad.

Another part of me is upset.  She has a way of blaming everything on me, without actually blaming me.  She makes it all my fault, then crucifies herself for being such a shitty person.  I go from defending myself to defending her...from herself.

I know that I am culpable here.  I know what I have done wrong.  I can own my actions, but not own up to them...

What has she accepted responsibility for?

"It takes two to tango," is the saying, so what was my dance partner doing or not doing.

"I'm just not what you want..."  is what she will say.  Sexually, mentally, emotionally

Is she right?  What do I want?



I am seeing a psychologist now.  Trying to work shit out.  It's still early in the process, just me venting so far.  I don't have a lot of faith in psychologists, I don't have a lot of faith in anything anymore.

I am just kind of done with everyone right now.

I am always the asshole no matter what I do.

I am expected to be everything for everyone.

I can't be.

I am now working 7 days a week in order to get out of debt and keep my business.

The good part is, I don't even have time for anyone.

Peter out....

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

An interesting twist

Life has been eventful these past few weeks.  Most of it stressful but most of it good.

To start, I am going bankrupt.  Chapter 7.

There it is...

The loans I had to take out were prior to the crash and were too big.  This area was hit too hard and has never fully recovered.  I have been behind on payments forever with no hope of catching up.  The bank who owns the loan will not negotiate at all.  In addition, I don't want to have to pay back that much money, I will never be out from under the debt.

So, we will protect my business by selling it.  That's right, I will no longer be the boss!  Hopefully the new owner will keep me on.  They usually do in my business.  I can then turn over the daily operations to the group which will free me up quite a bit.  I will also be getting paid more day one, which is a huge plus.

After we get the assets sold I will BK7.  Get rid of all that debt and be, relatively, free.

I am actually excited to get it done.  I have been struggling for the past 10 years and I could never find a way out of this mess.  No matter how well I did it was never enough to pay for everything.  At first I did everything in my power to pay all the bills in full.  I lost my house because of it.  I denied my family any extra money.  We did not go on vacations or anything.

I could not keep up, even with working 6 days a week.  The extra money was never enough to cover my costs and the debt payments.  I asked for help from my wife and she turned her back on me.  That was what really started all my extra activities.  I lost my mind and decided that I would carve out a small part of my life for me.  My old blog covered that journey, for better or worse.

The crazy has receded and I now find myself back into the high stress.  I am a little better at dealing with it, however, I still go from caring to not caring, which is not a good thing.  I am also lost in my relationship(s), wondering what direction I should go and not wanting to hurt or lose anyone.

The piper will come calling, eventually.  The loan will be due in a year or two and it is bigger now then they day I signed the paperwork.  I also just want out.  It is a good thing and I am happy about it, even though I am a little worried that things will not go as planned, but when do they ever.  I am going to trust in the direction I have plotted and make the best.  It is better than sitting in shit and praying for change.

To top everything off I came into work today and found that my assistant quit.  I have mixed emotions, as I was going to have to fire them anyway.  Ball dropping has become a regular practice and neither of us have been happy with each other.  I prefer things to end on good terms, but if things are good then people don't quit.  Additionally, by quitting she cannot claim insurance, which keeps my rates lower and saves me money.

I have to go to Las Vegas next week, I was going to bring a friend but they had to back out...so....I plan on having an adventure!  Hopefully I get to tell a great story when I get back!!!