Kink of the Week: CUM

So I am inspired to write after reading some other bloggers express their experiences with the stuff.

For a man it is the pinnacle of love making, or fucking.  For women, it seems like most like the stuff, it is a reward, or, depending on where it is deposited, a pleasant humiliation. 

For me it is a frustration.

I am a long fuck, and I tend to be a marathon man.  My fucking can go into an hour long...I used to like it...I thought it was a good thing, something that women would want.  "Strong like bull..."

Actually it is all complete bullshit.  My experience is, while women do not want a quick shot, they also do not want to be banged away for an hour or more at a time.  Even with lube it becomes difficult and even painful.

There is also the athletic and dehydration associated with a long rough fucking.  Leg cramping has been known to happen...try and cum with a hamstring in a knot.  Cumming with cottonmouth and sweat dripping in your eye...not fun.

I believe that the reason for my difficulty has been compounded by my habitual aggressive masturbation.  I squeeze too hard and do not use lube.  It is difficult to find time to get off, my life is busy and filled with people that can walk in at any second.  So when I can get off, I cannot lube up and take my time.  It is a dry palm, a tight squeeze and intense visuals.  I can cum in a matter of minutes on my own.

No pussy, mouth, ass or armpit can compete with the strength and know how of old Rosy...

I have tried to stop, to slow down, to wait a few days if I think I am about to get some.  I wish I was strong enough...after about 28 hours I get so horny that I cannot sleep.  My pillow I hold against me at night becomes the softest and cruelest tease to my cock and I quite literally cannot get a wink of sleep unless I take a moment and masturbate.

Sad to say most of my cum goes in a towel, the sink, or (the worst) right into the toilet.  It is a sad fate for such a wonderful substance.  So deserving of a more glorious place.

I will make a list of the most wonderful places I have cum.  The place is less important than the method for the naming of the place.  What I mean is, when I am about to cum and I ask in my husky "man about to cum" voice..."where do you want me to cum?" your next comment does it all for me...

No particular order:

1.  I was having trouble cumming.  I was laying on my back, she was on top of me facing away...a wonderful position.  I pulled out and started to masturbate, rather than moving she rubbed her pussy against the head and said, "cum on my pussy."  She held her lips open and rubbed the head just inside of her, my strokes got me off quickly and my cum started to erupt.  I expected her to get out of the way but she stayed, her face lit up with a smile as I coated her lips and mons.  When I was done she rolled on top of me, cupped her hand against her pussy and scooped up the cum in her hand.  She looked me in the eye as she put it all in her mouth and swallowed.  Her other hand was getting more...then she took my still hard and sensitive cock and put it back in her...it was dirty, sloppy an wonderful.

2.  Reverse cowgirl was the position.  This girl has a wonderful "Dime Sized Butt Hole" and a perfect body so the position was an absolutely amazing view.  She is also the tinniest girl I have ever been with (except for the midget which does not count) her legs were struggling to spread over my thighs.  She can really move her hips and was fucking me with exquisite gyrations.  I felt the tingle, "Can I cum in your mouth?"  She looked back and smiled, "Let me know when."  She said.   There was a rush of blood to my cock and it swelled, "Now,"  I said.  She must have felt it as she was already dismounting.  Her hand pulled the condom off and she engulfed my cock with her mouth, her hands jacking me off and the other cupping my balls...an expert if there ever was one.  I remember a lot of suction...many times a blowjob is just lose and wet mouth, but I remember her actually sucking hard.  I exploded, it lasted quite a while and I rode the feeling of her talented mouth and hands.  When I was finished she stood to walk to the bathroom...to spit and rinse her mouth.  I understood, but still was a little saddened, it makes me feel good when my cum is swallowed...weird...

3.  Someone who I see often, or had in the past.  We had been fucking for quite a while.  It was a hot sweaty mess, we took a water break then were right back at it.  I was afraid that the marathon man was going to take over, I concentrated on her face and her wonderful body...it is nice when I don't have to turn to mental porn...she is porn enough for me.  I felt my balls tighten against me and pulled out.  I did not ask, I also know she likes me to cum in her mouth.  I moved to my feet and she knelt next to me, mouth open.  Usually she engulfed me, however this time she just opened and stuck her tongue out, eyes closed.  I exploded.  Jets of cum painted her face and landed in her mouth.  The vision of what was happening made the orgasm more intense...when I was spent she took my cock in her mouth and sucked the last bit out of me.  Using her fingers she casually gathered up my spunk and licked it up.  It was SO casual, SO natural...I was in absolute love with her...(still am).  I collapsed into the bed, pulling her with me and we kissed.  There was cum on her lip and I licked it off then kissed her deeply, tasting both of us...

I enjoy being careful about my cum.  I do not smoke, I am rather healthy and I try to stay fit.  I drink a lot of water and only 1 cup of coffee a day.  I eat lots of fruit and veggies.  If I know I am going to be having sex, I usually try and eat pineapple or other citrus fruits the day before and the day of, and drink lots of water.

Once a friend of mine gave me BJ and asked me to cum in her mouth.  She smiled when I did and said, "You have a great diet!  You cum tastes fresh...like a salad..."

It was a nice complement, and it motivated me to always be a good steward of my cum.

Little Blue Pill : Loss of Love

In an effort to improve things with my spouse I have gotten the little blue pill.

I brought it up over some sushi, I did not want to offend her with the idea of using it.  The trouble is, I have issues getting it up and keeping it up with her.  It is all psychological, not physical.  My doctor seemed to instantly understand...it seems I am not the only gentleman who has issues.

I could have kept it a secret, but I am no good at little secrets...only big ones.

When I told her she was a little flustered, she mentioned the shower scene that starts "This is Forty".  I get it, I should not need it.  Then she went on, she does not want hours and hours of sex.  It seems like it is a marathon every time.  I stayed silent and let her speak.  Then she said it, "I also wonder who I am being compared to in bed, I am never enough."

I understand what she is saying and how she is feeling.  I do compare her "performance" to others.  She has no one but me to compare to, on her side.  However, I have many.

Ideally it should not have to be a "performance", it should be love making.  It used to be.  I remember it well.

I stayed silent.  I do not know what to say.  The issue is not how hard my cock is, or how fast or slow I can cum.  It is not about a performance or any visual stimulation.

It is about the loss of a connection.  The loss of love.

Live Music

I am a big fan of live music...I love music in general but live music and a texture that cannot be felt over the radio.  I am a particular fan on a band, well known.  I spend quite a bit of time listening to the type of music that this band plays.  I frequent a couple bars in the area where music is played live either in the spirit of this band or a direct cover band.  It really makes my week hum when I can go into it after spending an evening dancing and just loving their music. 

I am the only fan in my immediate group of friends..spouse included.  So, my time is spend at these alone...not that I mind...I am a good at being alone, many years of practice.  There are a couple of gals at the bars, they are there all the time, like me.  They are great looking, love to dance and generally seem rather interesting.

I wall flower a bit...but I also dream.

How nice it would be to dance with someone again.

Dancing is sexual, it is liberating, it is erotic.

I have not danced that way in a long time....

F4TF #2 – The Fine Line

In a monogamous relationship what constitutes cheating?
Is sexting cheating?
A stolen kiss at a party?
What about enjoying sexual fantasies about a co-worker or your spouse’s friend?
Where is the line?

So, I will join in.  Play along here https://foodforthoughtfriday.wordpress.com/

Let's get one thing clear to start, I am a cheater.  I make no bones about it.  I rationalize my behavior to some extent but for the most part I just compartmentalize and exist.

In my heart, totally non judgmental, I believe like Jimmy Carter believed.  A statement from his 1976 Playboy interview:

 

Christ said, "I tell you that anyone who looks on a woman with lust has in his heart already committed adultery." I've looked on a lot of women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. This is something that God recognizes I will do—and I have done it—and God forgives me for it. But that doesn't mean that I condemn someone who not only looks on a woman with lust but who leaves his wife and shacks up with somebody out of wedlock. Christ says, don't consider yourself better than someone else because one guy screws a whole bunch of women while the other guy is loyal to his wife. The guy who's loyal to his wife ought not to be condescending or proud because of the relative degree of sinfulness.

 

 

If you sext...you have cheated.

 

If you kiss you have cheated.

 

If you jack off to the vision of another woman, you have cheated.

 

The line is rather clear from my point of view...which is over my shoulder most of the time, the questions stated a monogamous relationship.  However, your particular point of view is what shapes this.  If you are in a poly relationship or an open relationship the rules change.  There must be agreement between the parties involved and open communication.  If only one has knowledge of the event then it is cheating.

 

I also do not judge someone who sexts, kisses or strokes the king with another person in mind.  If it were up to me we would be open with all of this.  Hell if it were up to me my spouse and I would fuck people together, or she would look at sex as a long hug or a massage.

 

Thus my reality and my excuse/rationalization/complete bullshit that I tell myself.  My wife is not open, she is not poly and she believes any form of sexual anything should be between a husband and wife only.  When I bring up the idea of open sex or experimenting she gets mad and shuts it down...always has.  Even sex between a man and a wife is done in the dark in one position and as a duty, it is what we are suppose to do.

 

Does she want it...she says so.  Words are one thing...action is another.

 

Here is my rationalization and complete bull shit reason for doing what I do:

 

I am a good dog, I will stay on the porch...but you have to rub my belly every now and then...I will still come home to eat...but unless there is a reason to be on the porch...I am gone....

 



Honesty and the holidays

First let me define Honesty vs Truthfulness according to Peter...I need to rationalize my world in order for things to be compartmentalized.

Honesty:  Saying what you mean.

Truthfulness:  Telling your wife you cheat on her with hookers.

Honesty makes relationships better, truthfulness ruins everyone's life.


This whole post was sparked by a conversation about gifts and gift giving.  Specifically the need to reciprocate gift giving.  This time of the year there is a whole lot of guilt that goes around.  You can hear it in the way we speak:

"I need to get so and so a gift."

"Last year they got me that expensive thing and I only got them a little thing."

We have all heard them.  From loved ones to close friends, extended family, neighbors, coworkers, that chick you fuck on the side, the list could go on forever and for many it does.  We all think that we are the only one having that conversation, when in reality, everyone is doing it.

Here is my answer, long ago I told everyone, "Do not get me a gift."

Period, end of statement.  When I want something I go and buy it.  I do not need your trinket or gift card.  Most of the time I just recycle the trinket, and forget to use the gift card.  I appreciate that you thought of me, however, there is not what I want at all.

IF you want to do something, come and hang out with me.  Take me out to eat and use the damn gift card WITH me.  Write me a letter expressing you feelings, draw me a picture.  Understand that upon reading the letter or looking at the picture there is a 90% chance I will then throw it away...I do not keep stuff like that, my life is already full of paper.

In addition, understand that I will NOT be getting you a gift just because you got me a gift.  If I want to get you a gift it is because I REALLY like you (trust me, I do not do a lot of gifts) and I wanted to get you something.  I have a particular distain for people who give a gift then sit back and anticipate a gift in return...that is not in the spirit of giving.

Most of the time, I will just want to hang out with you, go to a concert or see some live music.  Buy you a beer or a meal.  I want friendship and memories not shit that I have to take care of.

Which brings me to my next point on honesty.  Paying for meals.

Have you ever been out with another couple or a group of people and the bill arrives.  Let me back up...if you want separate bills, say so at the start.  In a large group of people at the START of ordering, if you either #1 do not want to pay for everyone or #2 do not want to be the person stuck with figuring out how much everyone owes through long division and complex tax calculations that end up with you paying more than anyone else, speak up and say "Make my bill separate."

I am the loudmouth that will overpower everyone with my desire to have a separate bill.  Most people appreciate my vocal intolerance to bill splitting.  Those that do not, can suck it...no that would be a reward...they can NOT suck it.

IF it is a couple going out to eat, and I offer to pay for the whole thing and you say, "No, I got it."  Then I answer with, "OK!"  I do not argue.  If you want to pay...you pay.  I am not going to get into some stupid one upping on who is going to pay argument.  If you want to split, Fuck you, you should have said it when we ordered.  If you offer me cash I will take it, I am not going to reject your cash and have a stupid argument where you put the cash on the table and say, "well, I am just going to leave it then."  If you offer to pay the tip, then ok...you get the tip...CASH ONLY!  I am not going to do some weird credit card tip shit.

Also, if I buy, you are under NO obligation to buy next time...remember if you want to keep score and buy next time, I will not argue.  However, I will also not reciprocate just because you bought last time.  This is not to say that I do not keep some sort of score.  If you always buy and I feel that I should, then I will say, "You should really let me get this one."  I will say it at the BEGINING of the meal.  If you are rich as fuck and always want to buy...I will not even offer...because if I was rich as fuck I would not expect anyone else to buy...ever...

My spouse does not believe the way I do.  She will have the stupid arguments at the dinner table.  She will want to split the check between 12 people and a dog.  She will reject your money to the point of stupidity.  She feels like she HAS to buy gifts for people that do not matter one bit I our lives.

Does this seem harsh?  Am I a dick?

Maybe...but I prefer to be a dick then deal with all the tit for tat shit that happens.

When do you know...

The past week I have spent a lot of time wondering when it is time to leave.  Not if...but when.

I goggled info for therapists for sex addiction, infidelity, sexual disorders and depression.  I feel like I need to talk to someone and get some sort of guidance.  I also wonder if I am looking for someone to make the decision for me, to tell me it's ok to leave.

The truth is I am very comfortable in many ways.  I see others who get divorced and the aftermath is never good, even years later I do not see things improving.  I DO however see older couples who when through hard times and stayed together and live their twilight years in love.  I have seen older couples work through cheating issues, sex issues, personality issues...all of it, and find happiness.

In a way I want my cake and to eat it too...but is that so bad?!?  Is that not the purpose of having a fucking cake...to eat said cake!

I get angry, quickly and for little reason at my spouse.  She looks sexy in her jeans, I give her a hug and a little kiss and she kisses back and gives me the eye.  Later, I scoot closer to snuggle, touch.  However, she is comfortable just sitting and playing on her phone.  Not wanting to invade her space I gently touch her, like she has said she likes.  We sit together, me touching, she playing on her phone.  Every now and then she smiles at me and squeezes my hand.

Although I try, it never goes beyond this.

By "Try" I mean I struggle mentally on IF I should move forward.  She makes no effort...none.

In the end we go to bed like we always do.  She sleeps, I get out my iPad and quietly masturbate to sex stories until I am close.  Then I go to the bathroom to finish.

In the morning after I leave she "wakes up wet" and uses her vibrators to pleasure herself.  When she tells me she "woke up wet" from a dream it just makes me mad.

I can't be too damn bitchy, when we do have sex I can't get hard.  Many times it takes some X or LSD to get me loosened up enough were I can get her to play.  Then my dick does not cooperate.  Usually I just cannot get hard for her at all.

I am considering Viagra.

SO, when do you know.  When you sit each night 4 feet from each other and imagine another life.  When after 25 years things just keep getting worse.  When I feel like I have already given up my prime "fucking" years to shameful masturbation and increasingly degrading porn.  When I keep thinking that although the grass may not be greener on the other side of the fence, at least I can take a roll in it every now and then...

So when do you know?

I don't understand...

"I am going to fuck the shit out of you..."

Really...the shit out of you?  Like, literally?  Anal with mud?  Is this really what you mean to say?


"I am going to ruin your holes."

Why ruin them?  Really, I get being rough, I get how good the hard sex soreness feels great but to "ruin holes" just seems really bad.


"Hate Fuck"

I get an aggressive fucking, but a hate fuck...just sounds like rape to me...


There are others I am sure, whenever I hear these I cringe a little.  I will add more as I come across them...

The Fellatio Project - Peter's Answers

 

 

 

I like fellatio, so in an effort to support all thing fellated, I am participating in The Fellatio Project.  This is hosted on http://rebelsnotes.com/ so go there an check it out and maybe participate yourself.

 

I am choosing just to answer the questions that she has posted about fellatio...from the male perspective...well, more precisely the RECIEVING end.  I do not fellate...have not fellated...not ruling it out 100% but it would have to be one really special situation...I am straight (so far).

 

Have you always enjoyed cock-sucking or is it something that has had to develop?

 

I have always enjoyed it.  I am trying to remember my first time...I believe it was with the same girl that I lost my virginity with.  I did not get my cock sucked when I lost my virginity, I think my head would have exploded if I did.  It was later that it happened for the first time. 

We were in the hot tub and I was trying not to have sex.  I am not sure why, maybe religious guilt, but I felt we should not be playing around.  She was a real slut, slut...the kind of girl I have always been really attracted to.  We were kissing and petting and she pulled her cut off jean shorts off and climbed on top of me and just put my cock in her.  Hot tubs are not the greatest thing to fuck in, this is really true when it is -10 out.  SO, we moved inside next to the fire place.

 

Now that I think about it, how romantic!  She had me lay on the floor and she stepped over me into the 69 position.  I was naïve, while I had been beating off for about three years, my exposure to sexual things was rather meager.  She swallowed my cock and put her pussy in my face.  If I could go back in time...I would sit myself down the day before this happened and REALLY explain how to eat pussy.  I would have hidden behind the couch and giving myself the thumbs up, "Get in there ME!"  I would whisper.

 

As it was, I did not lick a thing, I casually plunged a finger into her...honestly, I almost want to messenger her on Facebook and apologize for being such a lame lay...

 

While I cannot remember how it felt I do remember thinking, "HOLY SHIT!  MY DICK IS IN HER MOUTH!!!"

 

We did move to doggie style right after, I think she was not enthused with my lack of oral skills.  Not related to fellatio but this was also the first time a girl said to me, "Put it in my ass."  Again, being EXTREAMLY naïve, I did not even fully understand what she had asked me to do...honestly, I was not MASSIVLY naïve, that I could have already been in her ass and I would not have known it at all.

 

I did not put it in her ass, I just kept fucking like a stupid little selfish teenager.

 

 

What did you not like about it in the beginning and what has changed over time?



Back to Fellatio:  My love for oral has developed over time.  Mainly due to the fact that I went over two decades without oral.  My spouse tries every now and then, as a gift to me, a duty fulfilled every couple of years.  meh..read my blog for the whole story.  Since I have stepped out I seek great oral.  That is one of the things I love(d) about (wait for it...) THE SPINNER!  Her dedication to oral stuff was outstanding...ruined me for life.

 

Over time I have learned to love control and going balls deep.  It does not happen often.  While I do not feel particularly gifted in the cock region, I have been told by enough people that I am larger than average that I feel it must be true.  Couple that with the fact that only 3 people have been able to take me balls deep in the mouth.

 

The most amazing and surprising balls deep experience happened with one of the tiniest girls I have ever been with (not the midget).  We were in 69, I am good at it now, she also had the cutest little butthole of anyone I have ever been with.  I heard it described once as a DSBH (Dime Sized Butt Hole).  Not to take away from the full spoke wheel silver dollar sized, they are nice, but DSBH's are rare and like all rare things, coveted.

 

She was another girl who is gifted in the oral skills, I believe it all starts with desire.  Like any sport, your hart has to be in it...and hers definitely was/is.  She was wet as a waterfall as I licked and suckled on her clit and wonderful pussy lips, when I felt her arch her back a little.  I pushed forward with my face (nose edging right on the DSBH) when I felt a LOT of pressure on the head of my cock.  While I like the pressure feeling a little, too much gets annoying.  I was not going to complain, however, nor will I ever when in that position.

 

So, pressure, arched back, me pushing forward into the wetness with my tongue and nose and I felt the velvet curtain open and I slipped into her throat.  She seemed to relax into it.  I dropped my head back and moaned (usually I am a little quite, years of training) she held me deep in her throat and moved her head around a little...had it gone on any longer I would have came.  She released with a gasp and turned around to grab the condom.  I wanted more, but I could feel her need to be fucked and I like to go with the flow.

 

The other memorable deep throat was with the Spinner.  We were in a hotel and she was giving me some expert head, as always.  I was on my back and she was between my legs, I great position as I get to see her great ass and legs (now I am missing her again...memories).  She lets me pull her head toward me, and she also likes to do the pressure on the back of her mouth thing.  We did it together and I slipped into her throat.  We were both surprised.  It was not for long, but she took a breath and we did it again.  I would love to try this again with her...one can hope...

 

Did your early experiences put you off in some way?

 

I can only guess what happened to my spouse.  She has never talked to me specifically about what happened to her.  She did state that there were many instances when she says men exposed themselves to her when she was young.  I believe there was something that happened with her brother also, but she has never talked about it and I have never pushed too much.  I offered consoling and she just gave me a dirty look.  So, there is something there.

 

I am the only man she has been with and she did grow up with a rather rigorous religion.  I cannot fault someone for not like oral for any reason.  I cannot fault someone for having hang-ups on sex in general...who am I to judge.  I can say that had I a crystal ball 25 years ago, I would have either done something different or not married her.  I could say that I am just as much to blame for not helping her figure shit out, but, I am not the most well adjusted fella and I have my own skeletons.  Either way at this point, she is not changing, and so far, I am not leaving.

 

I will skip a few of the questions as they are directed toward the cock-sucker, not he suckee.

 

As a recipient, is this something that you enjoy or are ambivalent about?

 

I enjoy it.  Is it always needed...no, but it is nice to get warmed up a little.

 

The biggest part of cock sucking for me is that YOU enjoy it as much, if not more, than I do.  If you are into it, then I am into it.  Enthusiasm can make up for lack of skill.  I would rather have an enthusiastic weird licking and trying with lots of smiles and big eyes, then a superb, well trained, polished, guaranteed to get you off, disinterested BJ.

 

Do you have a favorite way of being sucked?

 

Yes, I do.  Thank you for asking.  I like to stand, and face fuck while she is on her knees.  I like to hold her head as she licks my balls and I slowly jack myself off with her spit.  I enjoy either cumming on her face and in her mouth as I finish with my hand, or as she licks my balls and I cum down her back and let it drip to her ass...

 

Another is sanding next to a bed, her on all fours as she sucks me I use my hand to finger her wet pussy.  In this position I put my hands around her rib cage and thrust into her mouth, feeling her spit drip down my balls until I empty into her mouth.  Amazing...

 

Do you like to be deep-throated?

 

A little confession here.  When my spouse complained about cock sucking and gag reflex I said it is a matter of desire and conditioning.  She then said, "If it's so easy, you do it!"

 

I never said it was easy, however, I did, privately, use a cock shaped dildo (a rather stiff one) and over a few weeks of practice was able to deep throat it.  Is it comfortable...no...do I like it...well...not really...but not because I could not see the joy in it, more because I am rather straight and the idea of a real dick in my mouth does not do it for me (except for a few realistic dreams, but the person I was with kept switching from man to woman).

 

Point of the story...it is possible...you have to want it.

 

What tips do you have to control gag reflex?

 

I can't remember.  The biggest thing is to relax a little and just roll with it.  You are going to gag, your eyes are going to water, you might barf the first few times.  Do it with a dildo so you have control.  I would have to try again in order to give advice and I don't think I have the desire right now.

 

In closing, I will repeat what I have said before.  I want to be fellated but someone who wants to fellate me.  I do not like being blown because it is a duty, an obligation, a fucking favor.  I want to have to pull you off my dick because you just want to keep going and I just want to be inside you.

 

I like it when you are comfortable with you own juices, suck me between fucking me.  I am comfortable with my juice, I will kiss deeply if I cum in your mouth, no problem.  I will dine on you snatch at any point in the fucking process.

 

If you want to deep throat, do it, if you do not or cannot then that is fine.  Be enthusiastic and experiment...you just may find the next big thing!!!!

 

Happy Fellating!

Do you like yourself?

Self esteem...

Can you confidently cope with the basic challenges of life and are you worthy of happiness?

I have been thinking about this lately.  At some points I am more than confident in myself, I am almost brazen.  I know what I know and I know that I can handle any challenge that is presented to me no matter how challenging.  One can argue the method that I handle it, or how much it effects me...I wish I was not affected as deeply by some of the challenges I have faced.

I carry scars from the things I have been face with, we all do.  They have fundamentally changed me from the man I was to the man I am now.  I don't think the same any more.  I have trouble relaxing, I have trouble letting go.  I have trouble being happy.

I want happiness, we all do.  I want to feel worthy of happiness, I feel I deserve it...maybe...

I have been working on my coping skills, my reactions.  It feels like a reflex, like a doctor hitting me in the knee with that little rubber mallet.  In reality it is just lack of choice, or a choice that I unconsciously developed.  I get angry, I get sad, I get depressed, I get a feeling of hopelessness...I sink...I get silent...I sink further...and further...

Soon I am driving down the highway wondering two things...

1.  How hard would it be to just close my eyes and veer off the road.

2.  How hard would it be to just keep driving until I ran out of gas...

Neither option is a good one and I talk myself out of both.  I am not to that point any more, that point were I believe the best for those around me would be for me be gone.  I breath deep, try and put things into a universal perspective...we are all just specks of dust in the vast expanse of time and space...nothing really matters anyway.

I want to be that guy who smiles when the shit hits the fan...not in a rude way, just a "well, time to work," way.  The guy who laughs off a joke, defuses tension with a shrug of his shoulders.  Who is quick to hug and holds on long enough, and tight enough where you feel safe and loved.

SO, what is stopping me...where is my self esteem?

I am still looking...I will let you know when I find it...

The Sports Fuck

I think mentioned this in the past, however that blog was taken down and lost to the world forever.  This is not a repeat of that post, it is an entirely new post...at least I think it will be.  Who knows, my mind my just spew out the same stuff it did last time, who knows?

I call it Sports Fucking.  I am not sure if the term is mine or someone else's...most likely I stole it somehow.  Not a lot of original content here...sorry.  If I heard it or thought it, either way, I like it. 

Can we define it?

To have long and intense sexual intercourse which can be compared to hard training in gym, running, biking, swimming etc related sports.

Go out on Saturday, pull a girl and take her home. Have some sex with her. Next morning have some more sex and give her good ride for 1-2 hours until you are exhausted. This is sportsfucking. It can also happen any give day and hour, doesn't necessarily have to be on Sunday.

 

Straight from Urban Dictionary...

 

I miss it.  It is the kind of fucking that lasts for a long time.  You need a water break, to stand next to the air conditioner and let your head clear for a moment.  You do it in shifts, like hockey, except there is no second line...it's just iron man hockey.

 

It includes depth of penetration, speed and tempo changes.  Challenging positions, changeups, and aggression are all a part of a good sports fuck.  All body parts are included along with all body juices.  Done correctly you will leave stains and a little damage.

 

The most important part of a sports fuck is the partner.  There needs to be:

 

1.  Comfort with your body, sports fucking is generally done in a well lit room.

2.  Lack of inhibition, you need to be comfortable letting it all hang out in different ways.

3.  Either; pain tolerance or lack of painful positions.  This is a difficult one, if you hurt in all positions except missionary...then avoid the sports fuck.

4.  Stamina and/or multiorgasmic.  You either need to be able to cum over and over again (best option for a girl) or have the stamina to NOT cum for hours and hours (best option for a guy) or the ability to do both (the unicorn of sports fucking...stamina and multiorgasmic).

5.  Giving in to over sensation, what I mean is this...you have to be able to allow yourself to be stimulated WAY past your comfort zone.  Most people will push away when the sensation gets to be "TOO MUCH"...if you can just give in to that and let it wash over you...twitching and screaming...you will experience a high that you did not know existed.

 

You need time and space for a good sports fuck.  No interruptions...no worry of interruptions.  This has always been the hardest part for me...well...that and finding a partner that can and will sports fuck me.  I am usually limited to an hour...or two...due to funds.  Or I am limited in the space, it is hard to sports fuck in a car.  Or I am limited in interruptions, I usually have a place to be or someone expecting me.

 

Lately I have been getting back into shape.  With the comfort of my body and my athletic prowess coming back, I am ready for a good sports fuck...I just need a business trip and someone to do it with...

Edging...

Urban Dictionary Definition:
The practice by a man, with or without a partner, of maintaining a very high level of sexual arousal, as close as possible to full orgasm, over an extended period, without actually having a full orgasm. By using delicate control of stimulation and much will power to avoid a full orgasm, edging can include getting so close to full orgasm that ejaculate in significant quantity is released but the involuntary contractions do not take place (although up to say 3 contractions can be done deliberately each time to eject the released liquid in squirts, thus mimicking a real, but short, orgasm). This release, or "mimicked" orgasm, gives all the feelings of the start of a real orgasm but lacks the involuntary contractions, and it can be repeated several times until the supply of ejaculate is exhausted, or even beyond that point. After this "running dry", any real, final orgasm will be "dry" but otherwise normal. This amounts to multiple orgasms for men.

So I have been trying this lately, it's hard...literally and metaphorically.

There have been a few times when, toward the middle of the day, I have been bringing myself to the edge again...hard...stroking...feeling the building sensitivity.  It only takes a few strokes to almost get there at that point of no return so you have to really pay attention.  So, a few times I have been enjoying the feeling so much I do one or two more strokes...just enough to push me ALMOST over the edge and I STOP...

The feeling continues to build and I feel like my cock is on fire...the rush and pulse starts deep in me and no matter what I do I can't prevent it...cum starts to drip and flow from my cock.  If I do nothing then it feels good but it is just a short orgasm.  When it happens I feel like I have lost, I went over the edge...

When that does happen, if I grab my cock and finish myself off then I have a wonderful, long, full, explosive and orgasm with a big load of cum.  However, again, I feel like I have failed...I went over the edge...big time.

My goal...edge for 3 days...

Then have sex...

When I do this (I have done this before) I can cum three times in a row (little breaks).  I can even do four of five with an hours break...but then my dick starts to hurt...the third and beyond I have only ben able to do with my own handy work.

My ultimate goal...be in a hotel for an entire day with a girl and have us edge each other...all day long...nobody can cum...

Then at the stroke of midnight...we get each other off...and spend the next few hours doing it over and over.

Weird family stuff...Peter not included...

SOOOO.....

Weird family drama, luckily I am just a bystander...and I plan on keeping it that way.

I don't want to say to much, not that it really matters, but it would make me easy to identify to anyone close to me...and I like my privacy.

It is not on my side of the family anyway, it is my SO's family.  There is a divorce happening, not really surprised and not really upset over it...IF we were told the truth about the situation, which I am beginning to doubt.

A cousin and his long time GF invited the divorced party to live with them, while lives are rebuilt.  Very generous, very nice people...everyone involved is really nice.

With newly found freedom the divorced party took to...well partying.  It's been months we have watched it grow out of control.  Gently nudges have been rebuked...harshly...so we shut up.

Then....

A frantic phone call late at night,

A party gone on too long,

The GF had gone to bed,

Got up to get a drink of water,

Found the divorced one on top of her cousin...in the front room...

The fallout has yet to start but I believe FEMA will need to intervene by the time it is over...

I am staying the fuck out of it...

I hope everyone makes it out ok...

Getting the Itch again...

That itch...

It starts with just surfing around and looking on the internet, who is still out there?  Is it safe to play around?

There are plenty of girls willing to spend time with me for the proper consideration.  I find two that seem awesome.

The first I saw once a long time ago.  I thought she had quit, maybe just moved away for a while, but she is back.  Early 20's and amazing figure.  The last time I saw her it was one of the best times I have had.  She was suppose to be my farewell to the game.  HA.  She is tall, in amazing shape, skinny and muscles, small tits and a great ass...she is also very submissive...love it.  We spoke about 3 words but went like monkeys for the whole hour.

The other gal I have never seen.  She is also early 20's and is very short and petite.  I have a thing for the miniature women...lol.  Not midget sized, I have already done that, it was...meh...not my thing.  Like a little cheerleader or dancer.  I don't know much about her but she is highly rated and the place she advertises though is very upscale.

I am not sure if I even will, I have other things to spend my money on right now.  It is an expensive diversion and not always worth the time or money.  However, there are times when it is exactly what I needed.  A good release and something that I can reminisce on fondly in those quiet private moments.

The risk, while there, is not as great as it was in the recent past.  Additionally, going with the more upscale tends to be a little safer.  That is one of the things that keeps me from going hog wild, when the hammer drops, it is a big fucking hammer.

So, will I stay or will I go...only time will tell.  Not today anyway.  Today I will have to ease my pain with my tumblr and my fancy technique in self pleasure.

What I imagine it could be...

I am semi-happy...not content, not unhappy, but also not fulfilled.  The distance between me and my spouse is beginning to create a void.  While I crave connection and intimacy, I am not sure it is with her.  It used to be...but even in our closeness there was a sense of being "stuck" with each other.

The bridges that we build when we were younger and repaired over and over again have started to fall apart again.  We are not intimate, we do not trust.  We love but we do not lust.  Our passion is a chemically induced ruse.

When I think about what I want...I want honesty.  I want openness.  I want trust.  I want playfulness and laughter.

It would be easy to think that this could be found with someone else.  I see far to many divorced people and broken families that have not found happiness, just another layer of misery.  Occasionally I do see a couple who is happier after the split, better off...at least they look that way to me.

Much of the problem is directly my fault.

I own that.

I opened Pandora's box.  I experienced sex, drugs and rock and roll....and I liked it.  When you have the best sex ever it is hard to settle for anything else.  Why was it the best sex ever?

I have thought about this...what made it so special?

The fact that the person I was fucking was INTO it!  They wanted it...or they acted like they wanted it.  When my dick gets sucked by someone who WANTS to suck my dick, it is an entirely different experience.

They were open to anything!  Fun positions, 69, ball sucking, light choking, ass smacking, even a finger in the ass...they were open to it.  If they were not it was a gentle "no" and redirection into another pleasure.

Eventually with a couple there was a deeper connection.  This is where it gets sticky.  I felt a deeper connection, and I assumed they felt it also.  Even more of a problem, what then...a deeper connection without any hope of a life together...just forever cheating?

I imagine finding someone else, being open and honest, playful and fun, loving and trusting each other.  Wanting to hang out with them alone.  Having desire for them.  I miss that..

Fuzzy brain

For the past two days I have been tired, grumpy and unable to concentrate.  I call it fuzzy brain.

I don't like feeling like this, it usually happens before a bout of depression so I am trying to head it off.

I am going to the gym today, and scheduling some sports activities with friends.  I am avoiding alcohol and drugs and drinking lots of water.  I also got stuff to juice as it make me feel better.

I hate being the kind of guy who has funks...but I guess that is who I am.

There is a lot of change in my life right now, all for the good but still change takes adjustment.  I am not sure if that is what is bothering me or if it is something else.  It is tough when you can't put your finger on what the problem is.

I almost made an appointment with a new girl who looks fantastic.  It has been a long time and I don't think the Spinner is ever going to talk to me again.  What is the saying, "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else..."

I did not make the appointment, I have a lot of fear of being caught, both LE and RL.  I don't want to screw up what I have in my life, no matter how much I miss sex.  It was also be necessary for me to not masturbate for about a week.  I find that when I spend too much time pleasuring myself, it is hard to get off with a real person.  No pussy can compete with the grip and feel of a good handjob.

I keep swearing off porn, the getting horny and going back to it like gangbusters.  It's not good for me to watch it all the time.

The other issue with an appointment is the money.  Blowing $400 in an hour is a little disturbing to me now.  When I had lost my mind and money was just a thing, I did not mind blowing thousands of dollars on pussy, booze, drugs and gambling.  However, now that I am grounded again (for now) it is hard to justify that expense.

Missing anyone

my wife is asleep next to me...
It is 1:00 am...on a Thursday night.

She hinted at sex tonight l but it was a weird hint.  We were debating, kind of.  It was the daily shows last show.  Facebook was blowing up with the debates.  We argued, we do not agree at all.

I am the liberal, she is not.

The spinner changed her Facebook photo, I tried to start a "Words with friends" game...no contact...

It still hurts, I still miss her.

I amnot sure when I can let her go....I wish I could....

Feeling good, missing her...

I was able to kick the depression.

I took some will power and workouts...and some LSD.

I had to change my mindset and get excited about what I do again.  Re-energize.

Things are going well, better than ever.

The Spinner has not contacted me or answered any contact since the beginning of the year.  It is the longest that I have gone not seeing her since I met her in 2010.  I do not send her messages very often, about once a month or so.  She does not answer....ever.

It makes me sad, it makes me miss her.  The pain of her cutting off contact was rather deep for a while.  I had to "work through it" rather privately.  It just takes time.

I still get longings for her, I remember all the good times, I remember her smell and her taste, her energy and youth.  I look at her facebook every now and then.  I can only see her profile pictures, we are not friends.  They are a small look inside her life that I am no longer a part of...I never really was.

I have also not been with a professional in quite a while.  It is not the same anymore.  I did see a girl that I really liked and we had a great time.  It was too quick and in the end there was no connection, just sex, and it cost WAY too much.  That was many months ago, I did it to try and forget the Spinner.

I know that I am better off without her, and she is better off without me.  I am most likely better off just not playing with fire.  I get urges to go out again but the fear of getting caught by my wife or the police keeps me in line.  I also don't want to spend the money right now.

I am focusing on my family, my sanity, my house, my work and making some damn money...and my Tumblr porn...lol....

Lingering depression

It is something that I struggle with, depression.  I don't like to think of myself as manic, other people in my family are, but I can defiantly display some manic type behavior.  It frustrates me when I see myself doing it and I try to do things to keep me on an even keel.  It sometimes works, sometimes does not.

Lately I have been doing well, but a busy couple of weeks, and injury, a lingering illness, and a pile of just plain shitty stuff that I have allowed to pile up and get me down.  When I get down it is a huge struggle to get back up.  I feel dissatisfied with everything in my life, although my rational mind tells me that everything is not that bad.

I look to escape, to porn, video games, drugs, alcohol, sex...

It is my MO.

Lately porn and alcohol has been my crutch.  I am moving forward but just barely.  I wonder what it is like to NOT have this dark cloud always on the horizon.  Do other people have to weather psychological storms like this?  How do they do it?

I keep making commitments to dig myself out of this, but every time I start to make some progress in feeling better I allow something else to get me right back down.

Not a sexy post, but an honest one...

Frustraing days make me horny

When I get frustrated I get horny.  It has always been that way.  I seek porn, I write porn stories, I fantasize about sex...I beat off.

"Gotta get the poison out!"

That is how I feel.  It makes me feel a little better for a while but if the frustration continues, and it always does, I need to do it more.

Today is one of those days, very frustrating.  I have been busy for weeks and no slow down in sight.  It is good to be busy but there is also a lot of change going on and lots of moving parts.  Things are getting missed and not everything is going smooth.  I am a people pleaser and when I can't please someone I get frustrated...then horny.

I now understand why people retire.  I always wanted to work till I died.  Never stop, just progress. Lately I have been wishing I could just quit and do nothing...forever.  Have enough money just to play around and hang out.  Maybe I will win the lottery and that will me my new thing...just quitting.

There is a satisfaction in doing good work and I like it.  There is also a frustration in wanting to be perfect at everything and failing somewhere always.  I am not perfect...but I want to be.

My frustrated and horny ass needs another break to get the poison out...wish I had someone to help me....

Silence is golden...

I have been silent for a while.  Not much to share.

I retook ownership of this blog after letting it go.  It is difficult to let go something that was this important to me.  I know that some people still stalk it, some people are digging for information also.  I have tried to write a post for quite a while but keep deleting it...we will see if this one makes it.

I think that the biggest thing to mention is where am I with the Spinner...the answer...nowhere.  The Other Guy won...

It's no surprise, I was on the sideline and he was in the game.  It is best for them both, I guess, I think that the BF is out of the picture also, at least I hope he is.  Here is how it went down...

The Spinner and I were still friends and hooking up every now and then.  Many times just having a beer and some food and talking.  It was a lot of fun and I really miss her bubbly fun conversations.  She moved into a new place with The Other Guy and stuff really slowed down.  He was coming down on her to straighten up and commit to him, which I actually told her was a good idea.  I told her that she has a guy who makes good money, left everything for her and professes his love often, he is pissed because you keep a bevy of other guys around for her own weird feeling of security.

I knew that the end was coming but he started to monitor her phone and email and she told me not to contact her anymore, that she would reach out if and when she could.  This never happened.  Once or twice she answered a text but told me she could not text and would get in trouble and kicked out.  Can I blame the guy...no, I can't.  With her you would have to make the choice to share or draw the line.  He shared (like it or not) for quite a while, and it did not work out that well for him or her.

I would message or text into the void...

Blasting sweet nothings into the ether and hoping for some sort of response...

nothing...

Total black out...

Like an addict I would hold out, willpower, waiting a week between attempting contact.

Also like an addict I would get drunk and break down and flood the universe with texts and messages of love and regret.  In the end it would all be hallow and selfish, I cannot give her anything more than what I want to take.  She is better off and I know it.

It became less and less, I deleted her number, erased the old messages.

The pangs became less and less over time.  Still sometimes they are so intense I have to jolt myself into reality.  I have visions of me driving up to the condo and knocking on the door...professing my love...then...what...nothing...just rejection...or if she does accept me, what good am I to her?

I have let her go and am still letting pieces of her go every week.

I still miss her dearly, I will always remember her, I will occasionally check her FB photo and maybe even like it...

She will always be my fantasy, she was from the first day I met her.

It is better for us both, there were a thousand ways for things to end but they did and must end.

I will always lover her and will always second guess my decision, play the "what if" game.

Best sex ever...no competition...for a sex addict that is very hard to let go.

Lack of desire

Maybe it is because I am still pining away at lost love. 

Maybe I am out of shape and lacking the proper hormones. 

Maybe it is depression. 

Maybe I have been ruined.

I have had sex twice this year.

The good news is, I spent $0 on sex this year.

It is difficult to revive a secret life when all your secrets are old news.

I am still hurting...

A rebirth

If you remember me then hello again.

If you don't know me than hello.

I am rebirthing this blog after a long absence.  I used to chronicle my secret life here.

I shared the blog with a few people I trusted...I was wrong to trust.

It has been a while and those people who betrayed my trust are no longer known to me.

I miss my secret life blog, I miss my secret life.

Maybe it is time for me to be reborn.

I am Peter.