Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder

Did I abstain while she was away?   Yes...well...kind of...

I abstained the best I could.  I have a few good friends who, on occasion, a hook up will happen with.  Nothing serious, nothing lasting, nothing with any emotions that linger beyond friendship.  So, while she was away, I did have a good meal and romp with a friend.

Other than that romp, I have let things go 100%....well, 99.9%.  It is much easier this time for many reasons.  The number one reason is what I stated in the last post, it's just time to decide. I don't like the feeling of being in two places at once, having two lives.  I don't like the feeling of duplicity and being false.  I don't like being controlled because of my lies. When John said, "The truth will set you free," he really knew what he was talking about.

The second most important part is the realization that I am not wanted or loved in the other life.  I am a thing to be used and resented.  My presence,while financially helpful, is psychologically, socially and emotionally damaging.  I have tried to be the patient voice of understanding, and to offer consul when I believe it is warranted and will be accepted, which is rarely. 

Offering advice and consul to the sick makes you into an easy target.  If I were living in 100% honesty then I could be that target with ease.  As it is, being a target makes me vulnerable.  So, while I want to say things, I cannot.  When I do I get attacked, things spiral into insane rants and babbling.  I sit and listen and wait.  Nothing improves.  When a person has a sick desire to stay sick, they see the world in a very different way.  Everything they see is set against them, everyone is actively trying to make them fail.  The truth is, they are the architect of their reality.

So, I am working on myself.  I am trying to be a good architect of my reality. 

How will I design and build my sexual reality?  I do not know.  I am trying to create more of a mental and less visual and physical space for my desire.  Reading, writing, dreaming more.  Rather than seeing, feeling and releasing.  I want to focus on the build-up to sex.  I want to focus on the flirt and the seduction rather than just the act.

Shit or get off the pot...

For anyone looking for a discussion on skat...look elsewhere...this is not that.

I had a lot of time to think this last weekend.  I was away on a trip, the person I traveled with has a lot of issues going on.  I also have a lot of issues going on.  Although I did not share the details of my situation (I trust no one anymore), I did get to share some feelings about my relationship with my spouse.  I also spent some time helping her (my travel companion) work through some things with her situation.

Here is some of what I have come to understand:

1.  I cannot change my wife.  I cannot change the shit that happened 6 years ago.  I cannot go back in time and undo what she and I have done or did not do.  What I can do, and I must do, is forgive her and let it all go, and accept her as who she is, faults and all.  If I am going to stay (and I cannot imagine leaving) then I need to start loving her again.

2.  The duplicity that I used to start doing this is now tearing me in half.  My narcissistic, borderline psychotic ability to compartmentalize my two lives is no longer working, nor do I want it to be.  I used to be guilt free, because I was angry, hurt and stressed.  I am not proud of what I have done.  I will admit that there is a part of me that will never regret it, I got to experience some amazing sex, stuff that I have always wanted to do but never had the opportunity.

3.  I cannot save people.  As much as I fancy myself a white knight, I am not.  I do not have the resources necessary and I do not have the required clinical psychology training.  Even helping at this point is not really helping.  I do not want to leave anyone in the lurch but I fear that there will be no other way.  I need to save myself at this point.

4.  I have no idea how I am going to fulfill the sexual needs that I have and stay married...  This is the toughest issue that I have no idea on how to solve.  Well, I do have some ideas.  I want to try and open up some good communication with my spouse, we don't talk about sex, we argue or avoid.  With her super religious background she is sporadically reluctant to openly talk about it.  Other times she is hostile about things, occasionally she is open.

The fact is, I am not going anywhere, I am not happy and I don't want to be unhappy.  If I was counseling myself I would say, "Shit or get off the pot."

A return to who I was?

I know that many of you do not know anything about me.

When I read my blog, my current blog, it is not a representation of my journey.

I remember who I "was".  The me before.

Honest, dedicated, a true man.

My father, who everyone assumed had cheated on his wife....did not.

My grandfather in law, who did cheat and admitted it...was forgiven for it.

Who do I respect.  Who do I choose to be my hero...my guide.

They both represent a part of who I am.

One is dead, the other had a stroke tonight and lies dieing.

My life is a shithole of complex drama that I am sick of.  I want to quit it all...

My most true love I have betrayed...

I am not the man I thought I was.

If I could go back 10 years and face myself, I would punch me in the fucking  face, I would in a heartbeat.

I can't live with myself anymore.

Writing stories

I write a lot of stories.  Not many are available to the public, only two that I know of.  I must have at least fifty on my personal computer, locked in a place that nobody can find.

One was written years ago, it is book length.  I once let a neighbor read it, she loved it and her husband told me he walked in on her masturbating to the words that I had written.  That was a huge complement, getting someone off with the words that I write.

I have thought about sharing them but some are rather taboo, they are fantasies for my eyes only.  When I write them I see a picture playing out in my mind like a movie, I am just trying to describe what I am seeing.  Sometimes when I am writing in the third person I will get so involved that I start to write I for the character, mentally I become them.

Many times I have to stop to masturbate, I cannot continue with the built up sexual tension clouding my vision.  It is usually only after the character has cum.  If I do it before the character I lose the feeling and cannot envision the scene in my mind.

I have always wanted to share, I miss Flash Fiction Friday.  It was my once chance to share some of my sexual mind and get some feedback from real people.  If it is still out there let me know, if not I should start to do my own just to stretch the writing muscles again.

The story I am working on now was prompted from real life.  I was driving through the city past a public park.  I saw two girls walking hand in hand, they were teenagers, looked like sisters.  For some reason they looked homeless to me.  Across the street was a man in a suit walking with a briefcase, looked in his early 20's.

The story started to form in my mind on a long drive.  It is the usual, girls in distress, white knight saves them, feelings form, a crisis evolves, they have to pull together to solve it, they live happily ever after.  Add some spicy sex and viola, a sexy novella.

I have others:

• A new preacher moves to town and the secretly slutty daughter seduces the dad next door.
• Couple goes on vacation and has a sexcapades with another couple changing their lives and saving their marriage.
• Man and woman in Las Vegas get into a three way accidently only to find out that the hooker wants to get paid...twist, she has a pimp and wants out.
• Younger brother is rewarded for keeping quiet about a party by having his sisters friends pleasure him.

There are a lot, I enjoy writing and reading them.

I do wonder what will happen if (well, when) I die.  Will my kids search my computer and flash drives and find these stories.  What will they think?  What would my wife think if she found them?  Should I have an exit strategy?  I do not have a close enough friend that I trust that could do the "post-mortem porn purge".

I have considered posting some of my finished stories here as pages, I did once before on my old blog.

Does anyone else write long stories like me?

What do you do with them?

Do you enjoy others reading them?

Do you enjoy reading other's stories?