Shit or get off the pot...

For anyone looking for a discussion on skat...look elsewhere...this is not that.

I had a lot of time to think this last weekend.  I was away on a trip, the person I traveled with has a lot of issues going on.  I also have a lot of issues going on.  Although I did not share the details of my situation (I trust no one anymore), I did get to share some feelings about my relationship with my spouse.  I also spent some time helping her (my travel companion) work through some things with her situation.

Here is some of what I have come to understand:

1.  I cannot change my wife.  I cannot change the shit that happened 6 years ago.  I cannot go back in time and undo what she and I have done or did not do.  What I can do, and I must do, is forgive her and let it all go, and accept her as who she is, faults and all.  If I am going to stay (and I cannot imagine leaving) then I need to start loving her again.

2.  The duplicity that I used to start doing this is now tearing me in half.  My narcissistic, borderline psychotic ability to compartmentalize my two lives is no longer working, nor do I want it to be.  I used to be guilt free, because I was angry, hurt and stressed.  I am not proud of what I have done.  I will admit that there is a part of me that will never regret it, I got to experience some amazing sex, stuff that I have always wanted to do but never had the opportunity.

3.  I cannot save people.  As much as I fancy myself a white knight, I am not.  I do not have the resources necessary and I do not have the required clinical psychology training.  Even helping at this point is not really helping.  I do not want to leave anyone in the lurch but I fear that there will be no other way.  I need to save myself at this point.

4.  I have no idea how I am going to fulfill the sexual needs that I have and stay married...  This is the toughest issue that I have no idea on how to solve.  Well, I do have some ideas.  I want to try and open up some good communication with my spouse, we don't talk about sex, we argue or avoid.  With her super religious background she is sporadically reluctant to openly talk about it.  Other times she is hostile about things, occasionally she is open.

The fact is, I am not going anywhere, I am not happy and I don't want to be unhappy.  If I was counseling myself I would say, "Shit or get off the pot."