Did I abstain while she was away? Yes...well...kind of...
I abstained the best I could. I have a few good friends who, on occasion, a hook up will happen with. Nothing serious, nothing lasting, nothing with any emotions that linger beyond friendship. So, while she was away, I did have a good meal and romp with a friend.
Other than that romp, I have let things go 100%....well, 99.9%. It is much easier this time for many reasons. The number one reason is what I stated in the last post, it's just time to decide. I don't like the feeling of being in two places at once, having two lives. I don't like the feeling of duplicity and being false. I don't like being controlled because of my lies. When John said, "The truth will set you free," he really knew what he was talking about.
The second most important part is the realization that I am not wanted or loved in the other life. I am a thing to be used and resented. My presence,while financially helpful, is psychologically, socially and emotionally damaging. I have tried to be the patient voice of understanding, and to offer consul when I believe it is warranted and will be accepted, which is rarely.
Offering advice and consul to the sick makes you into an easy target. If I were living in 100% honesty then I could be that target with ease. As it is, being a target makes me vulnerable. So, while I want to say things, I cannot. When I do I get attacked, things spiral into insane rants and babbling. I sit and listen and wait. Nothing improves. When a person has a sick desire to stay sick, they see the world in a very different way. Everything they see is set against them, everyone is actively trying to make them fail. The truth is, they are the architect of their reality.
So, I am working on myself. I am trying to be a good architect of my reality.
How will I design and build my sexual reality? I do not know. I am trying to create more of a mental and less visual and physical space for my desire. Reading, writing, dreaming more. Rather than seeing, feeling and releasing. I want to focus on the build-up to sex. I want to focus on the flirt and the seduction rather than just the act.
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