Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder

Did I abstain while she was away?   Yes...well...kind of...

I abstained the best I could.  I have a few good friends who, on occasion, a hook up will happen with.  Nothing serious, nothing lasting, nothing with any emotions that linger beyond friendship.  So, while she was away, I did have a good meal and romp with a friend.

Other than that romp, I have let things go 100%....well, 99.9%.  It is much easier this time for many reasons.  The number one reason is what I stated in the last post, it's just time to decide. I don't like the feeling of being in two places at once, having two lives.  I don't like the feeling of duplicity and being false.  I don't like being controlled because of my lies. When John said, "The truth will set you free," he really knew what he was talking about.

The second most important part is the realization that I am not wanted or loved in the other life.  I am a thing to be used and resented.  My presence,while financially helpful, is psychologically, socially and emotionally damaging.  I have tried to be the patient voice of understanding, and to offer consul when I believe it is warranted and will be accepted, which is rarely. 

Offering advice and consul to the sick makes you into an easy target.  If I were living in 100% honesty then I could be that target with ease.  As it is, being a target makes me vulnerable.  So, while I want to say things, I cannot.  When I do I get attacked, things spiral into insane rants and babbling.  I sit and listen and wait.  Nothing improves.  When a person has a sick desire to stay sick, they see the world in a very different way.  Everything they see is set against them, everyone is actively trying to make them fail.  The truth is, they are the architect of their reality.

So, I am working on myself.  I am trying to be a good architect of my reality. 

How will I design and build my sexual reality?  I do not know.  I am trying to create more of a mental and less visual and physical space for my desire.  Reading, writing, dreaming more.  Rather than seeing, feeling and releasing.  I want to focus on the build-up to sex.  I want to focus on the flirt and the seduction rather than just the act.

Shit or get off the pot...

For anyone looking for a discussion on skat...look elsewhere...this is not that.

I had a lot of time to think this last weekend.  I was away on a trip, the person I traveled with has a lot of issues going on.  I also have a lot of issues going on.  Although I did not share the details of my situation (I trust no one anymore), I did get to share some feelings about my relationship with my spouse.  I also spent some time helping her (my travel companion) work through some things with her situation.

Here is some of what I have come to understand:

1.  I cannot change my wife.  I cannot change the shit that happened 6 years ago.  I cannot go back in time and undo what she and I have done or did not do.  What I can do, and I must do, is forgive her and let it all go, and accept her as who she is, faults and all.  If I am going to stay (and I cannot imagine leaving) then I need to start loving her again.

2.  The duplicity that I used to start doing this is now tearing me in half.  My narcissistic, borderline psychotic ability to compartmentalize my two lives is no longer working, nor do I want it to be.  I used to be guilt free, because I was angry, hurt and stressed.  I am not proud of what I have done.  I will admit that there is a part of me that will never regret it, I got to experience some amazing sex, stuff that I have always wanted to do but never had the opportunity.

3.  I cannot save people.  As much as I fancy myself a white knight, I am not.  I do not have the resources necessary and I do not have the required clinical psychology training.  Even helping at this point is not really helping.  I do not want to leave anyone in the lurch but I fear that there will be no other way.  I need to save myself at this point.

4.  I have no idea how I am going to fulfill the sexual needs that I have and stay married...  This is the toughest issue that I have no idea on how to solve.  Well, I do have some ideas.  I want to try and open up some good communication with my spouse, we don't talk about sex, we argue or avoid.  With her super religious background she is sporadically reluctant to openly talk about it.  Other times she is hostile about things, occasionally she is open.

The fact is, I am not going anywhere, I am not happy and I don't want to be unhappy.  If I was counseling myself I would say, "Shit or get off the pot."

A return to who I was?

I know that many of you do not know anything about me.

When I read my blog, my current blog, it is not a representation of my journey.

I remember who I "was".  The me before.

Honest, dedicated, a true man.

My father, who everyone assumed had cheated on his wife....did not.

My grandfather in law, who did cheat and admitted it...was forgiven for it.

Who do I respect.  Who do I choose to be my hero...my guide.

They both represent a part of who I am.

One is dead, the other had a stroke tonight and lies dieing.

My life is a shithole of complex drama that I am sick of.  I want to quit it all...

My most true love I have betrayed...

I am not the man I thought I was.

If I could go back 10 years and face myself, I would punch me in the fucking  face, I would in a heartbeat.

I can't live with myself anymore.

Writing stories

I write a lot of stories.  Not many are available to the public, only two that I know of.  I must have at least fifty on my personal computer, locked in a place that nobody can find.

One was written years ago, it is book length.  I once let a neighbor read it, she loved it and her husband told me he walked in on her masturbating to the words that I had written.  That was a huge complement, getting someone off with the words that I write.

I have thought about sharing them but some are rather taboo, they are fantasies for my eyes only.  When I write them I see a picture playing out in my mind like a movie, I am just trying to describe what I am seeing.  Sometimes when I am writing in the third person I will get so involved that I start to write I for the character, mentally I become them.

Many times I have to stop to masturbate, I cannot continue with the built up sexual tension clouding my vision.  It is usually only after the character has cum.  If I do it before the character I lose the feeling and cannot envision the scene in my mind.

I have always wanted to share, I miss Flash Fiction Friday.  It was my once chance to share some of my sexual mind and get some feedback from real people.  If it is still out there let me know, if not I should start to do my own just to stretch the writing muscles again.

The story I am working on now was prompted from real life.  I was driving through the city past a public park.  I saw two girls walking hand in hand, they were teenagers, looked like sisters.  For some reason they looked homeless to me.  Across the street was a man in a suit walking with a briefcase, looked in his early 20's.

The story started to form in my mind on a long drive.  It is the usual, girls in distress, white knight saves them, feelings form, a crisis evolves, they have to pull together to solve it, they live happily ever after.  Add some spicy sex and viola, a sexy novella.

I have others:

• A new preacher moves to town and the secretly slutty daughter seduces the dad next door.
• Couple goes on vacation and has a sexcapades with another couple changing their lives and saving their marriage.
• Man and woman in Las Vegas get into a three way accidently only to find out that the hooker wants to get paid...twist, she has a pimp and wants out.
• Younger brother is rewarded for keeping quiet about a party by having his sisters friends pleasure him.

There are a lot, I enjoy writing and reading them.

I do wonder what will happen if (well, when) I die.  Will my kids search my computer and flash drives and find these stories.  What will they think?  What would my wife think if she found them?  Should I have an exit strategy?  I do not have a close enough friend that I trust that could do the "post-mortem porn purge".

I have considered posting some of my finished stories here as pages, I did once before on my old blog.

Does anyone else write long stories like me?

What do you do with them?

Do you enjoy others reading them?

Do you enjoy reading other's stories?

Toni Mac Says It All...

I love TED Talks.  I have the app and watch a few things from time to time, always amazed at the diversity of study in this world.  From stealth octopi, to how to connect complex ideas in a cooperation, I always learn.

Imagine my surprise when I saw a TED Talk on sex workers...

It may make you happy, it may challenge the way you think, it may cause you to grip your bible and shout out, "Lord save us all..."

I happen to 100% agree...decriminalize sex.

An old flame...

I can see now how Facebook can get a person in trouble.

I got a request for friendship!  The name was familiar but not recognizable.  I sent a message asking for more info on how we were connected.  I have a lot of privacy on my FB account, part because of my job and position in the community and I don't need everyone knowing my private life.  Mostly because of my habits and dalliances and I don't want anyone finding me who should not.

Usually if I as a person for more info they do not respond.  However, she did respond with her maiden name.  I thought I knew who it was but asked again for more specific details so I could place her in my memory.  She responded, letting me know that she dated my best friends and was at my wedding...

Did we flirt, but never date...I asked...

Yes...lol...

Bingo...

I remembered her...

She was pure sex.  She excited me beyond any measure but was always involved with someone I knew.  We flirted heavily...very heavily...loads of sexual tension between us.

At one point she told me that she had a contest with her friend...who could sleep with the most people before they turned 18.  I had smiled, she smiled...she was unattached and so was I.  It was during a time when my wife and I were split up.  Just before my first child was born.  Silent agreement, tonight would be the night we were going to hook up.

We traveled with a group of friends to some hot springs and swam naked...all of us.  What a wonderful time to be naked and young.  It was very dark out so there was not a lot to see.  Her friend was lingering by me, I remember the friend being a bit gothic and not all that attractive to me.  I spent most of my time watching her from afar and waiting.

We all went to a campsite and drank and ate together, laughing.  We started to play tag or hid and seek, a juvenile game that was an excuse to touch each other.  We went to hide together, behind a tree.  I don't remember if we said anything but we kissed.  It lasted a while then she broke it off and told me we could not...

It seemed that her gothic friend had called dibs on my skinny ass that night, I was taken.  I had already upset the situation by paying more attention to her then her friend.  I remember not really giving a shit and telling her so.  But, the old adage of "Chicks before Dicks" was in play and it became obvious that this chance was not to be.  I remember at one point having the gothic girl rolling on top of me with the FB friend next to me...we kissed while she was not looking.

That was it...never again do I remember seeing, hearing or talking to her.  I can say that I frequently remember my missed chance to be with her and regret not just making it a point to be inside of her.  As a much more vocal adult I wonder why I did not suggest a gothic, FB friend three-way...I am sure they would have been down with it.  I had about 4 chances in my youth to have a good three-way, but due to my religious upbringing and the lack of the internet or accessible porn, I did not know to even ask.

I wanted to let her know that I remembered all of this...

I wanted to let her know that I still think of here every now and again...

I wanted to let her know that a hook up, while improbable due to geography, is still possible...

She looks good on FB...

I now see how FB can be dangerous....

But I did not.

I wonder what she is thinking, half a country away, chatting with me...what does she REALLY remember?  Would she even say?

Food for Thought Friday: Boobs

For guy s and girls who like girls – what is it that you like about boobs? Is there an ideal shape or size?
For girls – how do you feel about how you feel about your “girls”? Are you happy with them? Have you always been?
For everyone – do you think the female “chest” has been over sexualised?

 What I like about boobies.  I like the feel of a real boob, it is like firm tofu at first then like Stretch Armstrong when you squeeze a bit harder.  The round shape to the underside of the boob really gets me going.  Side boob is rather amazing when it is just peeking out of a loose fitting t-shirt or spaghetti strap blouse.  Any sneak peek of a boob is rather awesome.

Nipples are wonderful also, they are so reactive.  I can understand how much fun playing with a soft cock and making it erect must be when I compare it to the feeling of a nipple hardening in between my lips.  The whole areola is amazing when it stiffens up or gets flushed with blood when an orgasm hits.  I do like smaller nipples, little pea size is awesome.  I also like when the areola is darker than a girls natural skin tone.  Sasha Grey type nipples...amazing.  However, pale nipples can really get me going also.

When it comes to size I am more of a fan of "less is more".  I do not understand this worlds fascination with huge boobies.  To me it is almost a symptom of mental illness when you have to have large breasts or when your attraction is to large boobs.  If you naturally have large boobs and you like them...great!  I am not one to argue at all, the more confident and sexual you feel with your body, the more attractive you are not matter how off my personal "boobie bell curve" you may be.

Fake boobs do not do it for me at all.  Not a fan.  I have said it before.  I understand why and I get it, but I still do not like the feel of some foreign object floating around in your skin.  I have felt one set of fake boobs that were as real as it gets, still too big for my tastes, but a whole lot of fun on that girl.

So, I guess there is an "ideal" shape and size.  Youthful would be the word for it.  However, I fucking hate "ideal" shit.  I am not "ideal"...I just am.  Like cock size, you need to just be happy with what you got.  Confidence goes a long way.

I will admit to being slightly intimidated by boobs.  While I am really good at licking pussy, I am less good at boob play.  It seems to be a really specific thing.  Nipple play?  How hard/soft?  Sucking, less or more suction?  Whole boob grab...hard massage or gently stroking?  Twisting, pulling, pinching, flicking, kneading, rolling, wet fingered caressing...

Everyone likes something different and you don't know until you ask or try.  I wish I knew more on what the options were.  I could create a flowsheet in my mind and quickly categorize the nipple play that will obtain maximum pleasure.  I need to work on this.

Has the breast been overly sexualized...in America...yes.

When we have to hide everything all the time then it becomes forbidden fruit.  Forbidden things are really desirable...ask Adam and Eve...  It would take a lot of years to get to the point where a co-ed game of shirts and skins would be acceptable.  I am not there.  If you take your shirt off my cock gets hard and my brain and body say "SEX TIME!!!"

Would I be happier with the idea of accepting boobs as body parts in public and sex toys in the bedroom?  Would women be happier being able to let the girls free and not be judged, ogled, or ostracized?

The next generation can work on this shit...I am to old to change a thing...

While we wait...show me your tits please!