Interesting times

 Well, I figured it was time for an update.  Not that anyone reads this at all anymore.  I have spent the last week reading my entire blog, even the now unpublished first part  that started in 2008.  There was a feeling of nostalgia, fear, shame and a whole lot of heartache.

Where to start?

I don’t really play anymore.  I did see a wonderful girl about a year or more ago.  She is very sexy and the sex was very good.  It was my first time experiencing a female condom.  It felt like real sex.  So good I came rather quickly, I was frankly suprised.

I wish I would have let her blow me longer.  She was very good, wet, soft, deep, just the right speed.  We had spent about 40 minutes talking getting the nerves out.  When we went to the bedroom I just told her I was nervous and needed her to take the lead.  She smiled and said, “sure!  Thank you for telling me.”

I have wanted to see her again but she was also quite expensive and unlike my past, I am financially responsible now.  She also has many duos and they look amazing…so…maybe at some point.

About 6 months ago I saw another provider.  She was thin and petite and her photos looked good.  I have no real reason why I did it, I just wanted some strange.  It was a long term hotel type place by a strip club.  An area I have been before, the Sasquatch experience and the girl with all the animals in a small hotel room were in this area.

When I met her I realized that skinny was an understatement, she was almost anorexic in her appearance. Cute, small, smoking pot from a pen.  She talked and I wanted to turn and walk away.  Little white girl who talked like she was from the getto.  I detest that speech pattern but I stayed because I am an addict and nothing turns me on more then completely debasing myself.

We got down to business.  Small protective kisses.  She was very clean so we did the 69.  I miss a good 69.  Her small mouth and my cock were not agreeing, however.  She gagged with just the head in.  I moved a hand back and gently slipped a finger in, just the tip.

I should have asked…she rolled off quickly.  I apologized, no rules were stated prior to starting and I had been rubbing her with fingers.  She shrugged it off but I could tell she was a little wary.  She tried to blow me again but couldn’t get more than the head of my cock in her mouth.

I asked if she wanted to fuck and she answered , “yes daddy.”

Ugh…

I slipped on the hat and we started.  She was wet and pulled me into her but apparently she could not handle my size.  I was less than halfway in and she was flinching.  I checked in with her and asked if she had a better position she would want to try and she just shook her head and kept trying.

I hate hurting people.  I wanted to cum but this was just not fun. I withdrew and pulled the condom, opting to finish with my hand.  I looked at her cute body and small tits and eventually finished on her chest, her bad sex sounds did not help at all.

I left feeling cheap, dirty and sad.

I miss the Spinner.

I miss her with everything I am.

She broke me in ways that cannot heal.

We have talked a few time via text.  I don’t think we will ever be together again.  I text her about every 3 month and she has only answered once.  It makes me sad but happy for her.

I saw the red head.  One last go.  It was good, she is wonderfully slutty and I like it.  But I just can’t anymore.

Hera and I have become very sexual.  It is not perfect and I have trouble cumming, she is not the spinner.  I was flogging her with a leather toy, she likes being spanked…who knew, and she was sucking my cock, she likes it now…who knew.  I liked her pussy to multiple O’s…she can do that now.

Later as we lay in our pool of sweat and cum she wondered out loud why we could not have found this sexual freedom with each other earlier in life.  Saying something to the effect of how sad it is that she is this old and just finding sexual pleasure.  It made me mad…and happy…and sad…all at once.

We are playful all the time.  Sexual all the time.  Quiet and understanding.  Occasionally we still fight, but we give up quickly and reconcile.  I see her beauty and love her deeply but I am still a fucking… dirty, little, slut, sex addict…

SSDD

Stop crossing your eyes

 I love porn.

You could make an argument that I am addicted to porn.  In the private browser on my phone I have about 200 tab open of porn.  I have accounts on all the major platforms and I index movies that I like, not all the time, but I have them.  I also read sex stories, lots of them.  To the point that I have to leave them alone for a while to let more stories get posted because I have read them all.  I also write sex stories, I have posted a few but I have many more that are not posted at all, just for me.

I have one I have been writing for the past four months.  I enjoy the hell out of getting myself all turned on as I imagine this scene and turn it into words on a page.  I dream of the different situations and the story, how to build the desire and tease the reader (me).  Most of the story is set up to the sexy parts, I really try to make it realistic as possible.

Anyway, back to the topic.  Recently I have noticed that the run thing for the girls to do is to cross their eyes and stick out their tongue.  I have no idea why it turns me off, but it does.  It just looks stupid. I guess I should not be too surprised with titles such as, "Stupid Cum Sluts", why can't it just be "Cum Sluts"...why do they have to be stupid...

I think this is why I gravitate more toward amateur porn or casting porn.  It tends to be much more real.  I actually purchased a membership to one online porn site, my first ever.  It is a Gloryhole site.  I like that the focus is on the girl blowing and fucking.

Back to the weird faces.  It’s just as bad as fake sex sounds.  Do you know how all pilots sound the same?  Well, it is because they all started to mimic Chuck Yager back in the early days of flight.  It’s a voice they all do. Pornstar sex sounds are the same.  Simone famous shouted, “yes, yes, yes, yeeeesssss.” And everyone just repeated it.

Whoever crossed their eyes and stuck out their tongue first…kudos to you.  Innovation!  Everyone else…just stop.

Normal?

 I don't know what happened.  

Maybe it was the mushrooms that Hera finally took with me, but we reconnected.  We also did MDMA together one night, she loves it.  Somehow we have both decided to just be sexual with each other again.  We fucked...and fucked...and fucked.

I feel like it should have been this way the whole relationship, just sexually relaxed and open.  It feels good to just have sex with her.  She has let me wake up and fuck her...we have fucked in the day...things that before we just did not do, she would not allow it.  Sex was always done at night, in the dark, in one way...it is nice to see her let go.  It is nice to be able to be open about being sexual without being shamed.

I spent two months actively not texting the Spinner.  She has not answered a text since last July anyway.  I still think about her way to often.  I still dream about her most nights.  I still have days where I look into the void and question myself for not following my ... heart?  dick?  lust?  desire?  Love?

I know that I have a vision of her that is not 100% who she is.  There are many things that we see differently.  Politically we are not aligned (I don't think so anyway).  Emotionally we are vastly different.  Our communication styles are polar opposite.  She is also decades younger and way more active and social.  Basically I am understanding that it would most likely not work in the long run.

However, despite all that...I long for her still.  Sexually I have never been so in sync with a person.  It was pure passion...every...fucking...time...

I did finally text...a desperate lonely text in a inebriated bout of lonely nostalgia.  I expected silence...I got a thumbs up to a photo that I sent two months ago.  My head spun and my heart pounded at that thumbs up...it was something...but also nothing.  I get it...she is safe and happy in her relationship and would not want to fuck it up...I am also not willing to blow up my family.  

I will wait as long as I can to text again, but I can honestly say that no matter what is happening in my life...I will always be open to seeing her again..

Hera and I have made a major breakthrough, about 30 years late, but better late than never.  

I will always cherish the Spinner and you never know what the future holds.

 

Again?

 Masturbation can only bring so much joy.

It’s been awhile.  Still married.  Now I am a grandpa.  Things have gotten better…ish…

I still have the itch.  Sex at home is the same as it ever was…non existent.

I had a last time with the spinner, I didn’t know at the time that it was the last time.  She is doing great, great guy, I hope it lasts…we still talk about twice a year, but I haven’t seen her in about 4 years.

The red head has gone MIA.  I couldn’t help her when she needed help and that was the end of it.  I tried to reconnect but got no response.

It was not easy going out again.  I did a lot of research. It was amazing.  I love sex just for sex.  In Norway they say “sex before coffee.”  Meaning, have sex first, then date if the sex is good.  I would date this girl, but the age difference would be weird.  I will just fuck her as a business reward…

I did text the spinner about it.  I hope it turns her on, she would love the girl I was with

FFF: The tuning

 FFF:  July 15th

Word Limit: 170-190

Key Words: compose, propose

Forbidden Words: red, said

Delila's long flowing light brown hair looked as soft as silk cascading down her back.  I was shocked at her nakedness, but she was composed and comfortable and it set me at ease.  I followed her as she strode barefoot across the wood floor, her ass jiggling with every step in the most attractive way. 

She stopped at the piano and turned toward me. My eyes betrayed me, scanning her toned body before catching her eyes.  She smiled demurely.  My tongue seemed to be tied down and I could not make a sound.  I raised an eyebrow and took a deep breath in and out.

“I find it freeing to compose in the nude.”  Her accent was fittingly French.  “However, one key seems a little flat.”

I found my voice, “May I ask which one?”

Turning, she lifted herself onto the piano, laying across the music rack.  Her finger traced her lips and as she scanned the keyboard.  Slowly her arm moved across the keys causing her hair to draped down the case.  A delicate finger pressed down on a key.

“Yes,” I breathed, “I can fix that.”

TMI Tuesday: Late as always...

Looky Looky

1. What movie dialogue do you know by heart?

I know a lot of movies and have that ability to quote lines.  I am not sure if I know the entire dialogue of any entire movie by heart. I love quoting Couples Retreat and Wanderlust.  There are a lot of great one liners.  I might be able to quote a lot of Monty Python movies by heart, that sure shows my age.

2. Which show do you watch the most?

I really don't watch shows anymore.  I binge series or watch movies.  I also watch anything from Action to Romance.  I am not a horror fan and reality TV is the worst thing ever and I avoid it like the plague.  I have tried to watch "Housewife" genera shows and I cannot. It is the worst kind of manufactured drama ever.

3. Do you get shy on camera?

Depends, if I am remembering a script then I will forget my lines and look like an idiot.  If I have a teleprompter I am better but I hate looking at myself.  If I am recording sex for fun then I think I am an amazing pornstar...lol.  My favorite porn is what I have recorded myself and I watch it often.

4. How often do you take selfies?

a. Once a week

b. A few times a week

c. Every day

d. Never

Rarely.  I have gotten older and what I look like vs what I imagine I look like are very different.  I usually choose to just delete them rather then post them anywhere.

5. Do you like being watched?

Doing what?  Fucking?  I have only had a couple people watch me fuck.  At the time I did not mind at all.  If you are judging me as you watch then I will most likely mind...

If you are enjoying then I really don't care at all.  I don't mind being naked or having people look at me.  I am not a a chiseled god anymore but I also am not obese.  I am comfortable with how I am and how I look, so if you want to watch then go right ahead.  I would prefer people to join in... Why watch when you can ride along?

Bonus: What’s the last thing you got in trouble for?

What do you mean by trouble?  I don't get in trouble...Shit happens but I really don't have to answer to anyone.  I don't break the law (very much) so there is no trouble there... 

I guess you could consider a bad business decision two years ago has put me in trouble but I am the boss and I thought I was making a good decision at the time.  When I realized that it was not the correct decision it was because of world events beyond my control, and I adjusted.  I have to deal with the fallout but I am not "in trouble' with anyone, I just have to take the financial hit and keep going.

Seems like the question is either for a younger person or someone who lacks control of their life....

https://tmituesdayblog.wordpress.com/

Time to start dreaming again

Right now I need this outlet.

I need to have a fantasy world that I can escape to and revel in my sexual desires.  I have been SSRI'ed for the past two years and nothing has gotten better.  It is the Russian Waltz, one step forward, two steps back.  You feel like you are gaining ground but the shore keeps getting farther away.

I did see the Spinner one last time a little over a year ago now.  I did not know it would be the last...at least for now.  She is no longer texting or posting on social media.  I have not idea what is going on or where she is.  She could be dead and I would not know.  I have mixed feelings about it all.

The last time was after a few false starts.  We set up times and then she cancelled or ghosted...the usual.

When I finally arrived we talked for a few minutes but the sexual tension was just too much.  In the bedroom we kissed and I felt myself melt into her.  She tore my belt and pants down and pushed me onto the bench at the foot of her bed.  She took me into her mouth and pulled her pants off at the same time.  He cute little ass wiggle as she shed the tight jeans off her hips made me smile.

Her pants and panties were kicked to the side and she grabbed my cock and kissed me deeply as she moved forward and mounted me.  It was the fastest I had ever been inside of her.  Foreplay is usually prolonged as I love to taste and feel her body and listen to her loud sex sounds fill my soul.  She ground against me and fucked me hard, like she needed me as deep as possible in her.

I held her as we fucked and kissed.  Her lips and tongue sliding over mine, so sloppy and wonderful.  She moaned into my mouth and I inhaled her breath, I love every part of her and could not get enough.  We parted to remove her shirt and I took her wonderful breast in my hand and sucked the nipple as it hardened.  She held my head and we crushed into each other.  The footboard of the bed was cutting into my back so I kicked off my boots and pants and picked her up in my arms.

I love how light she is and how I am able to just carry her and fuck her.  I also miss my strength and stamina, being out of shape does not support acrobatic sex acts.  I carried her to the bed and leaned back, letting her ride me.  Her sex faces and sex sounds are pure porn, better then porn, they are real.  I watch her and caress her body trying to soak up and remember every moment.

She rides me for a while but I want foreplay, I want to taste her.  I sit up and flip her to her back and withdraw from her.  She crawls up the bed to make room for me as I climb forward and lift her legs over my shoulder.  She always smiles and coos lightly when she realized that I am going down on her, and it does not disappoint at all.  I look at her pussy prior to diving in, it is perfect, wet and flush.  I have photos taken from movies I made with my GoPro of her pussy that I look at often.  I could look at it forever but I want more.

I lean in and roll her hips forward.  With a broad flat tongue I start at the top of the crack of her ass and lick upward.  Licking her asshole has always turned her on and I love that he lets me and that she tastes so wonderful.  I lick all the way and she throws her head back and I feel her open up to me.  "Oh my GAWD!" she moans then squeal sheer high pitched pleasure as pet my tongue across her clit.

I know what she likes, soft, slow and deliberate lapping at her clit and inner lips.  No penetration, just slick repetitive metronymic and consistent.  As she starts to move with me I will change slightly, rubbing harder back and forth, them move back to her preferred lapping, that is what gets her off.  I edge her over and over, moving away and pushing my tongue into her hole, then back to lapping.  Circling her asshole and pressuring her taint, then back to lapping.

I move my tongue faster and apply a little more pressure as she begins to move more and hold my hair.  This is the sign that she wants to cum.  Her calves stiffen and her toes point.  I can feel goosebumps start to ripple down her legs and her voice lowers and gets louder.  This is the point where you do not move or change, you ride it out.  I feel her wetness increase and she pulls my face into her crotch.  I keep going as she climaxes I want to just dig in harder, but I know from experience that I can prolong this if I just don't change.

She clenches and spasms in my hands.  He hands leave my head and grab the blankest and sheets and she claws at them as her hips roll.  It is time.  I ease back slowly and lick around her pussy and asshole.  I love the taste of her at all times but post orgasum is special and I lap it up and bury my nose in it so I can savor the smell.  Like a wild dog, I just want to roll in her scent.

I move back and let my fingers play on her pussy, the slick and puffy outer lips and the sharp tight inner lips.  I slide through them and lightly strum her sensitive clit, but just enough to stimulate lightly.  My finger penetrates slightly and I use my other hand to caress her chest and breasts.  She is already recovering from her first orgasum and, knowing her as I do, they rest will roll constantly for as long as I can play her body.

I penetrate deeper and feel her familure insides.  I know this part of her so well, I dream about it.  Every ripple, her soft cervix that the tip of my finger finds when I go fully into her.  I curl my finger and find the rough spongy mass of her g-spot.  I love this area and I pet it gently as she begins to build into her climax again.  I play with her and watch her writhe to my ministrations. After a few minutes I can feel her pussy start to clench at my finger.  I rub harder on the spongy mass inside of her.

I lean down and flick my tongue against her clit as she starts to cum and she lets go completely and cries out in her release.  The wetness in my hand tells me that I have succeeded again in getting her to cum.  I pull my fingers out and wipe her cum on my cock and press into her as I move up and kiss her deeply, plunging in to the hilt again.

"Wait," she says in that breathless way.  I withdraw and sit up on my knees as she flips around on all fours and takes me into her mouth.  It has always amazed me how much she loves giving oral.  I look down at her petite frame, the flair of her hips, the perfect heart shaped ass and the small tattoo on the small of her back that I love so much.

I hold her sides and she pumps me in her mouth.  In this position I can go deep and I feel the back of her throat close against my intrusion and she grinds me hard against it.  We have only deep throated a few times but she seems to love the pressure against her closed throat and pulls me into her.  There is a wonderful combination of submission and control that turns me on so much.  I take her head in my hands and hold her still as I pump into her mouth. 

Her ass jiggles in that toned wonderful way and I can't help but reach over her body and grab two handfuls of that sweet flesh.  If I was better at spanking and slapping ass I would do it but I am either awkwardly to soft or aggressively to hard. Instead I reach down her crack and slip a finger between her pussy lips.  She purrs into my cock as I slide my finger in her wetness.  We play with each other, she sucking and me fingering, nothing rushed, no time limits and neither of us tiring.

I do want to be in her again and she recognizes it at the same time I do.  She lays back on the bed and I crawl on top and enter her.  She does that wonderfully erotic and slutty thing where she spits into her hand and rubs it on her pussy then my cock as she pulls me into her.  I am to the hilt again and her legs wrap around me and we kiss.  Sweat is making our bodies slick and we make out as I thrust into her.  Sex is noisy, rough, wonderful and I fuck her missionary to another orgasum.  I can feel myself starting to build up to that wonderful climax so I pull out and she turns over and offers me her favorite position, the one that hits the right spots in her, doggy style.

She smiles back at me, knowing that I withheld so that she could have her pleasure.  I enter and begin thrusting hard.  The smack of flesh against flesh.  I take her shoulders in my hands and ride her wonderful body as she bites into the pillow that she is holding and cries out louder and louder.  I am waiting for that guttural moan that will tell me that she is cumming, the feel of her cunt pulsing and the wetness that accompanies her climax.  I can feel myself stating to rise toward my end.

I lean forward and hold one arm across her chest and she turns her head back and kisses me.  I can sense that her orgasum is over and my body starts to flex and I push into her.  My cock swells and she feels it and shutters in my arms, kissing me harder.  My silence is finally broken and I cry out with her, pushing as deep as I can, feeling the head of my cock bump against her depth.  Her legs fall forward and I press her into the mattress and cum hard.  

Pulses of cum shoot into her, filling her and she opens up to me and accepts it, loves it as much as I do.  My heart bursts and I almost feel like crying.  This is what pure surrender and pleasure is.  I have never experienced this with anyone else and I worry that I will never have it again, I do not what to lose her.  I keep cumming as emotions and desire destroy me mentally, but physically I am in utter bliss.

We hold onto each other as we slide away from our peak.  People talk about "post nut clarity" but I only feel love and desire.  We kiss while catching our breath.  I roll to the side but hold her with me, big spooning her as I remain insider her warm pussy.  I feel our wetness, our sweat and fluids cooling in the air conditioning that blows over us. I soften slowly and slip out gently but we hold on and just breath.

Post coital talk of how amazing sex always is, remembering when we did it "that time" in "that small apartment" and such.  I remember them with her and we laugh at how sexually compatible we are.  We eventually part and she goes to the bathroom to wipe down.  I stay put, I never want to shower her scent off of me, I try and keep it on as long as possible.

Eventually we cuddle and talk and laugh but time grows short.  My cock is hard again and she strokes it slowly and smile at me.  I kiss her and she pushes me to standing and lays back on the bed, her head off the side and pulls me by the cock to her mouth.  I hold her breasts in my hand as I slowly and gently push into her mouth.  This can do deep in this position but it can also hurt her, so I am gentile.  The pressure of her hand holding my ass tells me when I am deep enough and when I can go further.

I put a hand on her pussy and feel her wetness, I gently stroke but I can tell she is committed to making me come again.  We continue on for a while and it feels wonderful but I know that a second cumming needs manual stimulation for me.  I pull out and start to jack off, the way I know will make me cum.  She pulls me forward, her head between my legs and my balls on her mouth.  Her tongue plays with my balls and sloppy kisses on my taint spur me on.

I am nearing my second climax and concentrate on the feeling of her licking me most private place.  The vision of her body, the feeling on my hand on her cunt cause my balls to pull tight as I start to clime that peak.  She slips back further and her tongue worms to my asshole, I relax and open my legs a little, allowing access.  It embarrasses me momentarily.  I love doing this but receiving is so taboo to me I have to force my self to submit.

Her tongue laps at me and I let go, every part of my body is alive and on fire and I lurch and cum across her body, coating her tits, my hand and dripping down her neck.  She grinds into my ass then licks forward and slurps my cum off my balls and hand.  I release my cock and she swallow it.  The sensations cause me to twitch and cry out to a god that I don't believe in, unless I am with her.

I want to pull away but I stay still and let her suck me and clean my cock off.  It almost hurts but I stay put, this may never happen again and I want it as long as possible.  I soften in her hand and she sits up and takes me in her arms and we kiss again. I can taste us both and it is pure magic.  I lay again with her and gently rub my cum into her breasts as it dries.  I cannot speak or think and emotions start to confuse me.

I want her.  I don't want to leave.  I know I have to leave.

Eventually I get up and wash my hands while we chat.  I get dressed, I do not shower, I want her on my as long as I can.  My face smells like pussy and cum and the pheromones are tickling my brain and I feel high.  We talk, I get a drink of water.  She walks me to the door.  We make promises that neither of us will keep.  I walk away, looking back as she smiles and waves.  I do not want to leave and feel a weird mix of satisfaction and desire and a creeping feeling that this is the last time I will see her.

I was right...

I am glad I wrote this down.  It plays in my mind as I hold my pillow between my legs and fall asleep with my cock hard and leaking.  Wishing that pillow was her.

I am just a fucked as I was 10 years ago.

Honestly, the only thing that has tempered my desire for her is a burgeoning difference in political opinions that we never talked about before.  I am very liberal and progressive in my political views.  She is sliding off to the right...much to my chagrin.

Anyway...I thanks for letting me share.

Kenny/Alexander/Peter

The great by and by

Almost two years since I last posted.  The last week I have been reading both my blogs.  The original blog from 2010 where I started seeing prostitutes and carving out a private sexual fantasy for myself, and the new old blog that I created after some asshat person threatened to put me...

Candy posted again...

I am glad that she is still around...

I will be a grandpa in 5 months, a baby boy.  They youngest daughter...still at home...

They are young and stupid, just like I was...who knows what will happen, but I have a little human to take care of again.  It will be a bit different this time, a step away...maybe, who knows.  I am ready for it, I was born to be a grandpa.

Hera and I are...good...comfortable...still fighting every now and then...not fucking a lot... a bit out of shape and feeling our age.  I have tried really hard.  Two years of counseling, a lot of self reflection, time away from the Spinner and the Red Head.  A lot of focus on my business and myself.  A whole lot of lessons learned in business and my personal life...who to trust...and nearly 200K lost...

I am in a better place today then I have ever been, COVID and all.

Debt is being paid off.

Retirement is more than funded.

Bank account is flush.

Business is humming along better than ever.

Soon I will be taking care of the big debt that has been hanging over my head since 2008...

The Red Head has moved on and so have I.  She is still out there doing her thing, she reconnected with her kid.  Good for her.  Beyond that I just don’t know.  She texted me a sexy picture a few months ago...I can’t remember if I answered or not...most likely not.

The Spinner...well...I have not seen her in over a year.  We text occasionally.  She has a new “Other Guy”.  The first Other Guy moved north for a great job.  He wanted her to come with him, have a new life.  I told her to go...she decided to stay...not for me...but out of fear or something.  He paid for her life for a long time...I was frankly shocked.  The guy is almost saintly for his support...when he stopped she was shocked but I 100% understood.

The Next Guy is very similar to the Other Guy.  Left a wife and kids and trail of damage in his wake. I lost a lot of respect for the Spinner when she freaked out about him wanting to take care of his kids...seriously narcissistic statements.

I still miss her and want her, kind of...I have not even attempted to set anything up.  She is as flaky as the day I met her.  Still...I want her...

I saw a provider a few months ago.  I thought it was the small wonderful agency girl that I loved so much...pictures where similar...same agency just reborn under a new name.  I held my breath as I walked into the apartment complex to the unlocked door.  Stepping in my heart was beating in my chest and I felt light headed.  It had been a while and I was nervous and hopeful...

She walked into the room and smiled...it was not her...bleached blond fried hair...lots of random tattoos that I call graffiti trash tattoos.  Skinny but a little too skinny...  Good looking but not great...

Sex was good...not the sports fuck I wanted...but not everyone can fuck like a goddess...

Her pussy was not my favorite...not by a long shot.  Maybe I just was expecting something different.  I had to jack off to cum as I lost my hard on halfway through.  I was too much in my head and felt overwhelmed by it all...it had been a long time since I had been touched sexually and frankly I felt fragile...

I left and drove home...

Depression, my old friend, tried to pull me under and I resisted...this is just life...nothing permanent...

The spinner hints at meeting up...I doubt it...but if she asks I will be there..

Counseling was good...but I did not go to be cured, I did not go for answers or for clarity.  I just wanted someone to listen and tell me I was fucking crazy, stupid or understandable...I got nothing.  Their job is not to judge.  In the end it was a good two year detachment from the dangers of the Spinner...

What does the future hold?  Fuck if I know.  I am overweight, undersexed and moderately happy...am I allowed to ask for more?

We are doing a COVID workout and I have rekindled rock climbing with my boys...they did not believe that I had the knowledge and skills until I drove them to the mountains and taught them how to do it.  I have had a long and exciting life and I know a lot of shit...old man shit...knots and belying systems..

They had fun and it is our new hobby.

I’m still coach.  High school now.  State championship.  Takes a lot of time...time that I can’t spend on my other life.  I hope we have a season this year...

So.  Kenny or Peter is still out and about, more reserved and safer, but still there.  Soon to be grandpa...

What a long strange trip...

Summer time anxiety

This summer has been a mixed bag so far.  On the business front things are going better than ever.  My personal finances are on the upswing and I am starting to save for retirement, something that has been put off far too long.  I am even getting my children to start planning for theirs, although there is some push back on that front.  It seems that the new generation does not trust the financial system in the USA.  I don't blame them, however, just because one part is broken does not mean that investing in general is broken.

On the down side I am feeling lonely again and the future seems without hope.  How fucking melodramatic of me.  Even writing that pisses me off.  I am tired and right now I don't want to fight any of my battles, I just want to give up.  I keep waiting for something to go horribly wrong, which leads to bouts of anxiety.  It is a downward spiral that I want to stop.

I have not been screwing around at all.  Everyone is gone or has found someone else.  Even if I did want to step out, I would have no idea how to.  All the laws have made things much harder and much more dangerous.  I don't want to be a victim of this nations stupid laws, so I stay away from all if it.

My imagination is my only escape, the stories that I make up keep the sexual side of me going, otherwise I feel like it would just shut off entirely.  I feel like putting some of these down on paper.  Writing has always been a good sexual escape for me, and one without any repercussions.  The process of putting pen to paper and making a fantasy into a "real" thing gets aroused.

Maybe I will share some of what I have been imagining...

I used to...

We did a trip as a whole family.  It was great, fun in the sun and a lot of time to just chill.  There were a few moments when my wife nearly went ballistic on me.  I felt it brewing and I back away.  It was a bit sad.

"You used to like my hair wild."  she said.

Her hair was very wind blown and frizzy.  It looked like a helmet.  I asked if she wanted to put her hair up before we left for dinner.

When she answered me there was profound sadness in her voice and a hint of anger.

I used to like a lot of things...

The last time we had sex was exactly one year ago on this same vacation.  I know that she also knows this, although neither of us have mentioned it.  I cannot imagine having sex with her anymore.  I have one Viagra left and I am not sure that even that will do it.

At one point I was very high and I started to touch her, sexually.  She looked down at me and said, "You must be very high...you're touching me..."

Again sadness blanketed over both of us and the moment passed.

We are both overweight.
We are both in a constant depression.
We are both trapped.
We both have a deep love for each other.
We both want this to end.
Neither of us want to get divorced and split up our family.

I still have no idea what to do, except keep getting up in the morning and trying to be a better person.

New laws lead to new habits

So, this whole SESTA-FOSTA thing has really changed the whole world of pay for play.  I have basically quit...well I quit a while ago but now I could not even start again if I wanted to.

That's not 100% true...I could...it would just take a lot of effort, and I am nothing if not lazy.

All the advertising and message boards are dead, blocked by anyone in the USA.  There is still Twitter and some other places where you can see the "Women of the Night", but all the review sites are down.  It's frustrating, I used to occasionally read the forums and reviews.  It was nice to be connected to that community in some small way.  It was interesting to see who was available, even if I was not buying at the time.

I even have bouts of paranoia and wonder if they are tracking and following me...lol.  That is why I took my blog down for a week...I was scared.  Completely unfounded...maybe.  They have been blocking some women from entering the USA based on facial recognition from websites that promote prostitution.  Others have had their bank accounts frozen.  It is really weird how far reaching this legislation is.

It makes a lil' ol' John a bit skittish.

I would LOVE to speak out against it...but how can I?  I have a family that should not know about my extra activities.  I have a profession that would make it hard to make money if anything went public.  I have too much to lose to speak out, I wish it was not true.

Not that my voice would matter much, but I am sure that there are many who feel the same as I and if we could all speak out...well...I don't know what would happen.

I feel like there are a lot of people who still view prostitution as evil.  I don't think that will change any time soon.  If you are a wife then I bet you are against it.  If you are religious at all, then, most likely against it, and there is a SHIT LOAD of religion in the USA.

I think this will be an uphill fight for a long time because our country is rather clear that they are more interested in punishment and oppression then harm reduction and freedom.

I retired/quit a while ago but I still have a mental toe in the water and if I am honest with myself...I will jump back in if the opportunity presents itself, I just like sex...like a real mammal.

A bunch of sex questions from Tumblr

I came across this massive list of sex questions on Tumblr and decided to answer a few...to lighten the mood.

ABOUT YOU:

1.  What is the size of you penis/breasts?

Are we talking flacid or erect?  I am a grower not a shower so I am going to go with erect.  It all depends on how you measure, tip to taint I am quite long.  Traditional, from pubis to tip I am just short of porn star length.  On a good day it can be 7" but I need to be lean.  In my normal state I would say just over 6.5".  A little above normal, seems to be my place in live.

Breasts, well...they are larger than I want them to be right now.

2.  Does your penis have a curve?

No.  I am rather straight.  Pleasantly straight.  I have been told I have an attractive penis and more than once been told that it is the perfect size, shape and mushroomness for maximum pleasure.  They could have been just saying that but I choose to believe.

3.  Have you ever had an STD?

I think so.  When I was going crazy and fucking anything that walked I believe I gave one to my significant other.  Nothing crazy...cured with antibiotics..but I think it was from me...I still feel rather guilty about that.

4.  Have you ever been pregnant/gotten someone pregnant?

Yes...a few times.  For a time I half believed that there was one other kid floating around out there that might be mine.  Then I saw the pictures of him and...NOPE...no way that kid is mine.  Also, the timing did not work out when I did the math.

5.  What type of underwear are you wearing?

Boxer briefs...the best of both worlds.

6.  When was your last erection/arousal?

When I woke up this morning I was hard as a rock.  Morning wood...no other reason.  When was I last aroused for a reason?  Last night, looking at porn and rubbing one out.  When was the last time I was aroused with another person?  shit...that has been a while.  When I was on a trip recently I woke up hard and my SO went down on me.  I appreciate that she tries but she is a really lack luster BJ giver.  That is also the only sex we have had this year.

7.  Have you ever had an erection which someone noticed?

I have no idea...I assume you mean while clothed...Nobody has told me.  I am frequently hard at work because I will read sex stories in my office as I am waiting for my next client.  GOD BLESS BOXER BRIEFS!

8.  Has anyone seen your private parts other then yourself?

What the fuck is this...middle school?  Shit loads of people.  I have no problem getting nude and had even less of an issue with it when I was younger. 

9.  Explain your ultimate fantasy.

I win the lottery, get a divorce and take the spinner on a sex and drug induced world tour where we seduce other couples into group sex.  Then we fuck on a beach somewhere...for days....

I am done...one mention of her and I already feel exhausted.  I miss her and she is gone.

Low T and death

Someone close to me gave up the ghost last week.  I have to travel to plant them and support my family.  It’s difficult because I am not a big believer is ceremonies to put bags of meat in the ground.  I was not planning on attending but someone close called me on my bullshit and told me that the living need me there.  Funerals are for those left behind.

So, I get to dress up fancy and stand around eating jello and snacks while the priesthood does their sacred dance around the body of my friend.  I know the my family will use this as a reason why we should all connect and get closer together.  But here is the thing, except for my brother, I could do without them.  They are hyper religious nutbag, mean, judge mental assholes.  So, I will practice my stoic face and just drift through their bullshit and say goodbye to the empty shell of my former friend.  Hold the hand of the grieving and bugger out when their heads are turned.

I am also afraid of my sisters and their incessant need to take stuff.  None of his shit, and he has a BUNCH of priceless shit, is theirs or mine.  I don’t think that will stop them from laying claim because I have seen them do it before.  If they start to peck around I just may lose my shit.

His death hit me way harder then I thought it would.  It’s not been easy.

On a happier front, the big thing in my circle of friends now is Low T.  Everybody has it or thinks they do.  One guy did something about it and his energy level is amazing.  Now I want it so I can get me some.  I am going to line up some blood work to see if my old man balls are working right.  Low T can contribute to depression, which I am really good at.  I hate that I have a knack for making any sligh disturbance in my life plunge me into the bitter depths of dispare.  Maybe a shot in the but of man juice will help (ok, I see how that sounds).

Stay tuned.

Something needs to change

So, it is now almost March and I have not had sex this year.

It is the longest I have been without sex in about 10 years from what I can remember.  I can't blame anyone other than myself.  At home I have not even tried.  There is still a lack of attraction to my spouse.  Part of that is the weight she has put on and cannot get rid of due to her sedentary lifestyle and prolific wine habit she has developed.  We can't blame injury any more, she is all healed.

The other part is her personality changes or my reaction to her personality.  She just annoys me and does not turn me on anymore...ever.  Unless I take extacy or LSD or smoke a LOT of good pot...I really don't get excited by her.  It's frustrating, but I don't want to "try" and not be able to get an erection.  Or start having sex and lose my erection halfway through.  That is what has happened in the past and it fucks with her head and causes a huge fight for weeks.

Additionally, she never even tries to initiate sex.  This is not a new thing, she never has.  It is one of the main complaints that I have had for many, many years.  It has not changed in over two decades, why would it change now.  While she says she wants sex (well, she used to say that) she never starts it and usually declines when offered.  However she will say, "Yes, we NEED to have sex.  Lets schedule that".  Fuck you...I will beat off instead.

The girl I was seeing on the side for the past...holy shit...10 years now...the spinner, has been non existent in my life this year.  She is busy with...whatever she does all day.  And I have been busy with my life and not too excited to get caught in her web again.  It becomes endless hours of being strung along and sitting in cars waiting for a response.  Broken dates, broken promises...then a lot of complaining about everything under the sun.  When we do finally get to spend some NON crazy time together and talk or hook up it is quite amazing.  The emotional toll it takes to get there is exhausting.

I have thought about looking for another hook-up, someone else to have sex with but I can't seem to pull the trigger.  Part of that is financial.  I really don't want to spend money, I have too many other things I am trying to get rolling in my life and it is working.  I don't want to blow money on sex when I can apply it to debt and investments.  Also, there is just not anyone who really catches my eye right now.  Other than a little porn star who I realized lives in the same city as me and is looking for a sugar daddy, but I am not a big enough sugar daddy for her...I KNOW that it would not work out...she needs someone with SERIOUS money, and I believe she will find them at some point.

So, it is just me and my palm and pornhub for now.  I am trying to focus on other things.

I do have some out of town trips planned soon...to some cities with some rather good looking girls also.  So...maybe the drought will end?

Next year it will all be different...

That is the hope of each new years, that the next year will be different, better...

I have made a lot of changes this year, fell into an old trap but clawed my way back out of it again.

I am enjoying planning for next year.  Personal, work, budget...everything.  I really want to make next year different and build on the changes I made this year.

Much of that change is with my personal life and those who I spend my time with.  I was happy being a family man and a good neighbor.  I lost a lot of that these past few years.  I also my have done some serious damage to my psyche and my relationships by allowing myself to be pulled into a long slow depression.

No more.

I am healthier and I plan on continuing that.

I am wealthier and I plan on building on that.

I see happiness and plan on taking hold of it.

The choice is mine...I understand that.  I need to make the choice and just BE happy.

Good luck to everyone...

Cheers.

TMI Tuesday...Thought I would do one today.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

One big mating dance

I got court side seats last night.  Right behind the bench.  Food and everything included.  It felt nice.

I also am sore as hell from my workouts, so I ate a little bit of a pot gummy, just to take the edge off the soreness.  It kicked in halfway through the game and I had a really nice light high going on.  I was REALLY watching the game closely and quietly.  Its funny how different sports are, yet they are all the same.  The big show that happens around a bunch of guys playing ball.  I was tripping on it.

At commercial breaks the dancers came out and I saw them as birds doing a mating dance.  I wondered if, in the animal kingdom, all the mating dances serve to not only attract a mate, but to turn on the whole population.  The songs of sex and the movements of sex that all the other birds see releases chemicals in their brains that makes dicks hard and pussies wet.

Are we the same?  I liked watching the athletic, firm, scantly clad young bodies bounce around.  It made my dick hard.  Do women in the crowd feel the sexual energy also?  I know the other men do!

The clothes we wear and the makeup and hair of women.  It's all a mating dance...

We are beasts in our fields, rutting...

My old blog

I go back and read my old blog every now and then and cringe a little.  I really went off the deep end.  It brings back memories of that time and how little sleep I was getting.  Sleep is a really big deal with me, I must have it but I also dread going to sleep.  The old Night Owl/Early Bird combo that makes someone act bipolar as hell.

When you combine the drugs and prostitution you get a real fucked up situation.

I am not sure why I feel the need to look back at it, but I do.  I used to get a sexual high from reading it.  Then it turned into a reality check, looking back at all my shit.  Now it is just a little depressing.

I have been looking online at providers in my area again, not that I want to spend the money right now, even though I actually have it to spend.  I have other things I want/need to do with it.  However, a part of me still wants that special feeling you get from a hook-up.  That dirty little secret.

I also want mountains, beaches and time away without any pressures.  So, I save instead.

I want to feel more of a connection to life and to my family.

I want to feel less tired all the damn time.

One of the things that has helped me the most is daily meditation and frankly, I have not been doing that at all.  I just need to set aside the 20 min a day it takes to do it.  I can take a shit and play games on my phone for a half an hour, but finding a quite space for 20 min seems impossible...

No excuses...

I also want calm, sexual, thoughtful, playful and connected sex...coupled with food and wine...and a good smoke after...I am tired of crazy.

It's been a while

So here I am.  Still kicking around the net, just not as much any more.  I think the bug to share my experiences went away with the decision to not be as involved with the Spinner any more.  Do I miss it, sometimes...but apparently not enough to come back too often.

The only exciting sexual thing that has happened is that I booked a call girl when I was in Las Vegas.  It has been a long time since I had been with anyone.  I was sick of jacking off and was really missing the Spinner and feeling like I might be tempted to get back involved.  I figured it would be a great way to have some naughty fun and scratch the itch.

She was very cute, however, not all that in the sack.  It was more me than her.  I was nervous, I did not know her, it has been a long day and was very late.  There was also a little false advertising on her part.  Namely her tits...not what I expected, not bad per say, just not what I had envisioned.  We still had a nice time.  She spent a long time telling me about her family and her life, which was a "white trash novel".  Full of meth, multiple dads, jail and running away to be a stripper/hooker in sin city.

After listening to it all I just felt bad...but still horny...so we still fucked, but that shit was in the back of my mind the whole time.

In the end it just did not match up to sex with the Spinner.  I tell you, that girl can fuck...no lie.

I am still in therapy but have taken a break, mainly due to the therapist going on vacation and my busy schedule.  I am not sure if I should tell the therapist about Las Vegas, but then I wonder why I want to pay someone to lie to them.  I also wonder why I started going in the first place.  Was it business/financial stress, home/relation stress, woman on the side/Spinner stress or a great big combination of it all.

Has it helped? Sure..I guess.

I have someone to talk to, to call me on my shit.  The advice that has been given I have not really followed up on.  Mainly, how can I mend my relationship at home.  How can I get attracted to my spouse again.  The work that it is going to take to do that seems laborious and damn near hopeless.  Additionally, I am not sure that is what I want, but I am sure it is what I should do.

Then the part of my brain that says, "We only get one trip on this wagon ride, make it count," chimes in and all I want is to run to the spinner and profess my love.  God knows what that would do to everyone's life.  Also, there is a great chance that I would end up just like all the other poor guys that have been there before me and had their carcasses and bank accounts sucked dry, left in her wake.

I know she does not mean to do it, she is just surviving, but I don't want to end up another victim.

I don't have much else to say.  Hell, I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore...

Still around

i still exist.

Therapy had been a mixed bag...

While I have seen the spinner, it is not like it was.  I am basically out of her life, we have moved on.

I work constantly, I am doing better in my business but I am a still a long way from the stability I crave.  I am working 6 days a week, down from 7...lol.

The wife and I are still figuring it out.  With everyone's life colapsing, we are the rocks, the anchor.  It is crazy to think that our marriage is stable in comparison.

I miss kink...

I miss rough sex...

I miss being touched and kissed...

Not sure how long I can last like this....